Yesterday, I wrote a column titled, “Men? Who Needs ’em…” which focused mainly on a male boa constrictor named Ronaldo, who either was misidentified as male, or who underwent a sex change when no one was looking, and has now given birth to two broods of baby snakes.
Ronaldo managed this feat without having a romantic partner, through a well-known process called parthenogenesis.
In that column’s conclusion yesterday, I implied that human males are at risk of becoming unnecessary, especially in America.
For that, I apologize profusely. (I don’t normally make excuses, but I did have a couple of beers immediately prior to writing yesterday’s column. Maybe three.)
American males are necessary. In particular, American Alpha Males are necessary.
Alpha males like, for example, Nick Adams, the author of the book Alpha Kings, and former deputy mayor of the Municipality of Ashfield, a suburb of Sydney, Australia, where he attempted — unsuccessfully — to exterminate the pigeon population.
In the forward to Alpha Kings, a prominent American politician named Donald Trump referred to Mr. Adams as “one of my favorite authors” who is committed to “fighting for the qualities that make alpha males so special.”
Mr. Adams reportedly has more than 600,000 followers on his social media account, but even more importantly, on March 17, he was appointed by President Donald Trump to serve as ‘Special Presidential Envoy for American Tourism, Exceptionalism, and Values’.
The White House described Mr. Adams as “an America First patriot who will represent our country well…”
The role, which had not previously existed, has been described as being a “brand ambassador” for the United States of America.
So our “brand” is now the Alpha Male.
We’ve needed a brand update for a long time now. And now we have one. Finally.
Can we all just embrace that?
I don’t mean, like, a sissy romantic embrace, but more like the embrace that you would get from an Alpha Male. The kind of guy who would address a woman honestly on his social media account, as Mr. Adams did recently:
“Let me explain something to you, sweetheart. I am an alpha male… I lead, you follow. You are the supporting cast, I am the main character.”
The kind of Alpha Male who thoughtfully shares a list of appropriate activities with his followers:
Alpha male activities:
- Going to Church/Temple
- Going to Hooters
- Foursomes with the boys
- Shooting guns
- Hunting
- Trump Rallies
- Eating steaks
- Drinking domestic beer
- Playing poker
- The Casino
- Tennis
- Smoking cigars
- Racquetball
- Drinking whiskey
- Spending time with your butcher
He’s the kind of guy who puts America first. Even on a date, during election season, with an extremely attractive woman.
I went on a date with an extremely attractive girl this evening and took her to a very classy restaurant. We sat down and I instantly asked who she will be voting for this November. She said Kamala Harris. Without hesitation, I got up and left. She can order an Uber home.
That, my friends, is how a real Alpha Male treats the supporting cast.
So I think we need a new acronym for 2026.
“Make America Male Again”
Well… maybe not that, exactly. Because that would spell “MAMA”.
But something that means the same thing.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.