For whatever reason, the internet was full of references to “love” this past Saturday. The topic seemed to be on everyone’s mind, and since I like to fit in with current trends, I forced myself to ponder the concept pretty much all weekend long.
Thankfully, the weekend is now over, and we can get back to reflecting on the experience of solitude and tranquility.
But first, I want to react to a surprising headline I came across on Valentine’s Day.
What If Friendship, Not Marriage, was at the Center of Life?
The subhead:
It’s well-established that romantic relationships can improve your health and even help you to live longer. But does friendship bring the same benefits?
Good question. Bu this article was published on BBC.com… so, from a foreign country.
I have no idea who came up with the idea that “romantic relationships can help you live longer”. I can say, from personal experience, that romantic relationships have often driven me to contemplate suicide.
Friendships have never pushed me that far. So that’s one tally mark in the “friendship” column.
Dr. Saida Heshmati, a psychologist at Claremont Graduate University, did some research with colleagues — presumably friends, but possibly romantic partners? — and concluded that “regardless of where these little actions of love come from, or what relationship they come from, the quality of those interactions is very important.”
That’s according to the BBC article.
Dr. Heshmati had surveyed 495 random people to discover what actions caused them to feel loved. I wondered what “little actions of love” this psychologist was studying, because I could probably accommodate some actions of love, so long as they were “little”. Especially with friends. With romantic relationships, things can go a bit overboard and I’m still okay with it.
So, being curious, I looked up Dr. Heshmati’s research paper on Sage Journals and read her ‘Conclusions’. (Not her entire paper. It clocked in at 15,000 words, and that’s outside my pay grade.)
I took a psychology class in college, and I thought I would be able to understand Dr. Heshmati’s conclusions, especially if she had focused her attention on “little” actions of love. Alas, the word “little” appeared nowhere in the paper. (I did a “Find All” search.)
Exactly what we would expect from the BBC. Misinformation.
Nevertheless, the paper included a chart. Being a visual person, I like charts. Here are some of the “actions” that nearly all of the men and women surveyed thought were indications of “love”, out a list of 60 possible items.
Okay, sure. My pet seems happy to see me. This indicates “love”? More likely, it indicates the pet is hungry and it’s feeding time.
I could say the same thing about a child snuggling up to me — especially if I’m eating a candy bar. or something else laced with sugar. But I don’t allow children to snuggle up to me. Their parents could get the wrong impression.
For that matter, I might say the same thing about someone telling me “I love you”. Obviously, this person wants something from me.
Admittedly, two of the “actions” listed above do seem to be “little”, as suggested in the BBC article. But only one thing in this list would be something a friend would do — which is to show compassion when I’m having a rough day. Something that happens often. (I mean, the rough day. Not the show of compassion.)
But somebody saying “I love you” is not a “little action” by any stretch of the imagination. Saying “I love you” is a big action, in my book. If one of my friends said “I love you” to me — I’m thinking of my guy friends — that would definitely put stress on our relationship.
Like I said earlier, this BBC article came from a foreign country. Cultures can vary, and often do. Maybe in Britain, guys say “I love you” to other guys. Who am I to judge anyone? Judge not, lest ye be judged.
So, circling back to the original headline:
What If Friendship, Not Marriage, was at the Center of Life?
Marriage hasn’t been at the Center of Life for me, for quite a few years. Ever since the divorce, in fact.
For a while, Divorce was at the Center of Life.
So I have to admit that Friendship — not Marriage — is very much at the Center of My Life. And my best friend is my cat, Roscoe. He truly loves me.
At feeding time.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.