It’s perhaps the most worrisome thing about Christmas.
Cookies.
Consider yourself warned.
Yes, of course there are other problems during the holidays. Like the fact that the main spokesperson for the holiday, Santa Claus, doesn’t actually exist.
The advertising-driven consumerism.
The annoying seasonal Muzak in the stores since before Thanksgiving.
Horrible Christmas movies.
But this year, a prominent doctor — Dr. Mehmet Oz, current administrator for the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) and former daytime talk show host — has been emailing the federal workers in his agency weekly tips on how to avoid snacking in the office.
Dr. Oz oversees about 6,000 federal workers at CMS, and he wrote in his weekly email bulletin titled “From the Administrator’s Desk”:
We all love a fun cookie swap and potluck this time of year. With several teams across CMS hosting holiday gatherings this month, I am sharing some strategies to help you make healthier choices — while still indulging in festive treats…
It might appear to some observers that the changes happening in Washington DC exhibit a lack of carefully considered “strategies”, but here is proof to the contrary.
Dr. Oz recommends, for example, using a small plate.
Set your intentions. Decide in advance how many treats you’ll allow yourself to enjoy and try to stick to that number. You don’t have to try every cookie on the cookie table.
This is true. You don’t have to try every cookie. But who can resist? I mean, really.
According to Wikipedia, Dr. Oz grew up in a mixed Muslim environment where his father’s family practiced more traditional Islam, while his mother’s family were secular Muslims. Notably, he served in the Turkish Army during the 1980s for 60 days to maintain his dual citizenship.
So, Dr. Oz has two things I don’t have. Dual citizenship, and experience in the Turkish Army.
Apparently, Muslims — traditional Muslims — follow dietary rules known as halal, meaning “permissible”. We all have dietary rules, I suppose, that we follow except maybe around Christmas, but one of the halal rules that can easily cause distress at this time of year is the rule against consuming alcohol. (Not one of my own rules, needless to say. I’m a Methodist.)
As we all know, vanilla extract contains alcohol.
And as we also know, most cookies contain vanilla extract.
It’s quite possible that Dr. Oz has never, in his life, eaten a cookie.
Based only on circumstantial evidence, of course. But it could explain why he is warning CMS employees about eating cookies.
Dangerous cookies:
- Spritz Cookies
- Russian Tea Cakes
- Rugelach
- Cranberry Shortbread Stars
- Snickerdoodles
- Amish Sugar Cookies
- Kourabiedes
- Pfeffernuesse cookies (contain anise extract)
Probably not dangerous (but make sure the butter is halal):
- Gingerbread cookies (unless they’re decorated with vanilla frosting)
- Linzer tarts
- Molasses Crinkle Cookies
Should CMS employees take cookie advice from someone who might have never eaten a cookie?
Sure, he’s a doctor, and sure, he’s been sued on multiple occasions for promoting “miracle” supplements on this TV show. But we want miracles, these days. And we want to know when cookies are dangerous.
There have been so many confusing situations going on in 2025. I can hardly wait for the year to be over with.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.