Noted philanthropist Nicholas “St. Nick” Claus — known to millions as “Santa Claus” — took a break from his busy holiday schedule to appear in the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York City, an event that has benefited from his participation for the past 95 years.
A most unusual pageant, to be sure, this year. The parade — famous for its 50 enormous helium-balloon floats — normally starts at 77th Street and Central Park West and follows a 2.5 mile route to the Macy’s Store at 34th Street and Broadway, observed by crowds of New Yorkers and visitors estimated at 3.5 million people.
Designed to be viewed only on television, the 2020 Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade disappointed pretty much everyone.
This parade route consisted on one city block. Spectators were not allowed along the route.
It rained.
The pathetic procession consisted of only three floats… one of which was an enormous red coronavirus balloon.
The second float was intended to portray our outgoing president, Donald Trump, but it looked only vaguely like him.
The third float featured Santa Claus, making his traditional appearance in his magical, reindeer-drawn sleigh, accompanied by Ms. Claus and several elves. This was to be Santa’s only public appearance. The Macy’s corporation has canceled his contract for 2020; due to the spread of the coronavirus in New York, children will not be allowed to sit on Santa’s lap and beg for plastic dolls and video games.
In a Daily Post interview a the conclusion of Thursday’s wretched event, Santa reacted to the cancellation of his contract.
DP: I understand Macy’s is not requiring your services this year?
Santa: Well, unfortunately, they’ve bought into the fraud. This whole pandemic has been a hoax, and the Macy’s Corporation has been fooled, just like half of America. Look, I’ve been delivering toys and gifts for the past 800 years — actually, this year will be my 802nd delivery — and I’ve seen some real, honest-to-goodness pandemics in my time. The Plague. Now that was a real pandemic. The Spanish flu, back in 1918. This COVID fraud has been driven, all along, by Bill Gates and Tony Fauci and the rest of the WHO gangsters, for the benefit of a few multinational pharmaceutical companies that are going to make billions.
The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.
DP: You decided not to wear a mask in the parade, even though, back in September, New York Mayor Blasio specified a $1000 fine for refusing to wear a mask.
Santa: Bill Blasio and I don’t see eye-to-eye on everything. But he knows that old Santa knows how to draw a crowd for the annual Macy’s parade, which I think has been proved pretty well over the past 95 years. Maybe not this year, but he knows this virus is going to go away — it’s just going to go away, eventually — and Bill is going to want to see Santa sitting up on the sleigh next year, and the year after, waving to those millions of kids and their parents.
DP: But we noticed that Ms. Claus and all of the elves were wearing masks during the parade.
Santa: Ms. Claus and I have our individual opinions, which is of course pretty normal in any marriage. I don’t tell her what to wear, and she doesn’t tell me what to wear.
I figure, if President Trump doesn’t have to wear a mask, then Santa doesn’t have to wear a mask.
As far as the elves go, the union negotiated that deal. I made my case to the union leadership, that the masks don’t work and they’re actually harmful. And worst of all, they’re an infringement on personal liberty. But you can’t always win, when you are dealing with the union. At least I got to pick out the ‘candy cane’ fabric as part of the deal.
DP: We also noticed that you were wearing a red suit, and your bag of toys was red. A political statement?
Santa: I’m glad you noticed. I hope a lot of other people noticed as well. I’ve been a registered Republican for as long as I can remember, but I’ve tried to stay out of politics for the most part. But one little thing I always did, as a card-carrying conservative, was to always wear red. Most people probably didn’t connect the color with the GOP, until this year.
DP: There were a lot of things most people didn’t connect with the GOP until this year, wouldn’t you say?
Santa: And speaking of which. Did you see the President Trump balloon this year? Didn’t look a bit like him. Looked more like a goddamn cartoon character. Very disrespectful.
DP: Perhaps designed by a team of AOC Democrats?
Santa: Very likely. But what do you expect, from a bunch of blue-state socialists like they have here in New York. To tell the truth, I’m glad Macy’s canceled my Christmas contract, so I can get back to the North Pole where I belong.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.