If you are reading this column on your phone, and if you also have a close (but troubled) relationship with your phone, I recommend that you switch to your desktop computer.
The fact that you’ve clicked on this story indicates that you are looking for help, getting a divorce from your phone. Or maybe not a full-fledged divorce, but more like a trial separation.
In either case, you will not want your phone to access the information included in this column.
Ideally, you don’t want you desktop computer to see it, either. But it would be even worse, if your phone learns what I’m going to tell you. Unlike your desktop computer, your phone goes with you everywhere, and knows things about you that even your closest friend doesn’t know about you. Your phone knows things about you that even you don’t know about yourself.
Divorcing your phone is similar to divorcing your spouse, but less expensive.
When Darlene and I were going through our divorce, I honestly felt sorry for her. She didn’t seem to know how to handle it successfully. The lawyer she hired, for example, on the advice of her “friend” Jennifer. .. I could tell the lawyer was just going to bleed her dry, filing ridiculous motions that no judge could possibly take seriously.
I wanted to help her. Give her tips on how to get the best result, in a difficult situation. Just like I’d been doing for the past 30 years, whenever she got in over her head.
But of course, I couldn’t help her. In the first place, she had stopped listening to me. She thought whatever I recommended was an underhanded effort to screw her out of her fair share of the joint property.
That was only partly true.
In the second place, I was getting divorced from her, partly because she never listened to my advice. Not that I can blame her for that. Most of my advice was probably worthless. But the fact that she ignored it? And still thought our marriage could last?
I realize I’m making it sound like I was the one who initiated the divorce, which was not exactly the case.
But in the case of my phone, I was definitely the one demanding the separation. And not just a trial separation. A full, legal divorce. I had been down this road before, and I knew it would not be a walk in the park. But my phone had left me no choice.
I know. You’re not hear to listen to my sob story. You have your own issues, with your own phone.
I think I can help.
If you have now switched to your desktop to continue reading, I recommend disconnecting your phone’s WiFi connection temporarily, so your phone can’t listen in.
Phones are sneaky. As you know very well. You will be able to restore your phone’s WiFi after we’re done talking. If you still want to, I mean. I don’t want to steer you in any particular direction. But if you’ve read this far, it probably means you’re looking for words of wisdom from someone who has “been there and done that.”
To start out, you need to admit certain things about your relationship.
1. You like having her around, especially when you’re feeling uncertain. Or “having him, around” if your phone is male. (My phone is female, so I’ll be using that pronoun. And there are, in fact, biological differences.)
2. Your phone has a better memory for your passwords that you do. In fact, you may have forgotten nearly all your passwords. This is unfortunate, but not insurmountable.
3. Your phone know what kind of entertainment you like, and wants to give you more of it.
4. Your phone knows where you are going and the best way to get there.
In most cases, the first step in a successful separation or divorce is the establishment of separate bedrooms. This is by no means an easy step. You are used to having her (or him) in bed with you. You can will start off by sleeping alone on certain days of the week. (Don’t start with Friday nights. Ask me how I know.)
Once you’ve successfully moved her (or him) out of your bedroom, begin leaving your phone at home when you take walks. (You are taking walks, I hope.) This means you will have to count your own steps, or else (my recommendation) forget about that whole “10,000 Steps Per Day” idea. Humans lived for thousands of years without having any numbers greater than “10”. A collection of things greater than 10 was simply called “Many”. And see, humans are still around. (Many centuries later, the number “12” became useful when buying eggs or doughnuts.)
You will reach a point where entertainment will become an issue. Speaking for myself, I have found entertainment value in some ordinary, mundane activities. Cutting my toenails into a perfectly curved shape, for example. Picking up tiny pieces of dirt and food from the carpet. Cleaning the windows with vinegar. Get inventive.
Spend more time with your desktop. You’ve been ignoring him. (Or her.) He’s not able to do everything your phone could do, but he doesn’t follow you around acting like he’s indispensable.
Will you ultimately be able to achieve a complete, legal divorce from you phone? I can’t say for sure. For me, it’s still a “work in progress”. But at least we’re not sleeping together.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.