I recently had a feature article accepted. This doesn’t happen every day. Or every week. Furthermore, I was excited to make it into a nationally-distributed magazine. Think Quilting World. It’s not Quilting World.
I was doubly excited, because I had been pounding on these guys since Eisenhower pounded on Germany. Not quite that long, but you get the idea. What didn’t excite me was the following back and forth. (Trigger warning: profanity.)
Editor: Goddammit, good job.
Me: Thanks.
Editor: Goddammit, where are the pictures?
Me: What pictures?
Editor: Goddammit, the pictures for the article.
Me: I don’t have any.
Editor: Goddammit, get some. Or no deal.
You might perceive this editor as testy. But anyone who has worked with magazine editors knows this to be the rule, not the exception. Things are never right. Work is needed yesterday. They are always on the brink of folding. It’s a heckuva job.
I called my neighbor, Howard. He’s in the article, and I told him I needed photos.
“But none of it happened. How do you take pictures of something that never happened?”
Good question. My pieces are mostly fiction. Real life is stupid or boring. Actually it’s neither, but depictions need jazzing up. Writers know this, and act accordingly. “Bring your camera,” I told Howard. “The good one.”
“What’s in it for me?”
“Credit.”
“I’ll be right over.”
Fooled again. The old credit scam. I decided I’d spiff him later.
Howard showed up with his DSLR camera, whatever that is, but they’re good. We shot some old houses, a scene from my porch, and a photo of his old pickup. Checking the results, I frowned.
“What is it?”
“You don’t look so good.”
“Neither do you.”
Fair enough. Next door Sophie, home from college, washed her car. She wore shorts and a bikini top. I think you know where this is going. I should add across the street is a church, and the oldsters were having some kind of memorial. Let’s just say during the shoot, we got some looks.
After wrapping things up we made our selections. I emailed eight photos to the editor. His response was swift.
Editor: Goddammit, is this all you got?
Me: Yes.
Editor: Goddammit, we can’t use these. The deal’s off.
Lost another, and not the first time. The lesson? Writers, learn to take pictures. And do it in real time, because catching up is hard. A DSLR camera is preferred, whatever that is, but most phones will do just fine. Include .jpgs with your submission. That’s the going expectation. An article without photos? That’s so 2020.
If you’re like me, I know what you’re thinking. Goddammit, I’m a writer, not a photographer. Oof, now I got it.
Richard Donnelly lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Classic flyover land. Which makes us feel just a little… superior. He publishes a weekly column of essays on the writing life at richarddonnelly.substack.com