No, I am not going to make jokes about the recent flood event in southwestern Colorado. Too many people have been endangered and seriously inconvenienced.
Also, my editor has forbidden it. When my editor forbids something, I sit up and take notice. Metaphorically speaking. (I’m typically sitting up anyway, while writing my columns.)
But my editor has not forbidden me from writing a humor column about The Flood.
The Biblical Flood. Noah, the Ark, the Animals. 40 days and nights of rain.
Now, that was a real flood.
Unlike the ordinary (but terrible) floods that take place now and then in various places — New Orleans, Houston, New Jersey, China, Pakistan, Pagosa Springs, etc. — The Biblical Flood wiped out everybody except Noah and his family, and also killed every land animal on earth. (Fish and whales hardly noticed. Ditto crabs and starfish.)
The LORD saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time… The LORD regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.
“I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created — and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground — for I regret that I have made them.” But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord…
Noah had been warned about this upcoming event, and apparently had access to a whole lumber yard full of gopher wood. (No one today knows what “gopher wood” is. Noah’s descendants didn’t pass on the information.) The Ark was to be 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits.
In apocryphal versions of this story, Noah tried to warn his neighbors about the upcoming flood, but the National Weather Service had not yet been invented and everybody thought Noah was crazy. In the official version, Noah seems to have gone about building the Ark and loading in the animals without telling people what the hell he was doing. This aligned with God’s purpose, which was to save only one family — Noah’s family — and every species of land animal. (Noah seems to have forgotten to include the unicorns, however.)
Obviously, as we look around us, God should have thought this whole thing through, because by saving Noah and his family — as wonderful as they may have been as a family — the eventual result was a planet full of wicked, selfish humans just like before The Flood. (Yes, I’m including myself in that description.)
To remind us of The Flood, three “full-scale” Arks have been built fairly recently. The European replica, built by carpenter and creationist Johan Huibers, opened to the public in 2012 in Dordrecht, Netherlands. It measures 390 feet long, 98 feet wide, and 75 ft high.
The American replica, funded by multi-millionaire Ken Ham, is part of the ‘Ark Encounter’ theme park located in Grant County, Kentucky, and opened in 2016. It’s slightly larger than the Netherlands replica, partly because no one remembers exactly what God meant by “a cubit”.
An earlier full-scale Ark on Ma Wan Island in Hong Kong, China, opened to the public in 2009. It was built by Thomas and Raymond Kwok, Hong Kong real estate developers.
In 2012, the Kwok brothers were charged with bribing Rafael Hui, the former Chief Secretary for Administration of Hong Kong, who was in charge of the Ma Wan Park project (which included Noah’s Ark). The case highlighted “the cozy relationship between the city’s powerful developers and government.”
Revealed in the court case was a memo by Thomas Kwok in which he wrote “We all know this park is only an excuse for village relocation, and our main target is only on the residential development plus the village relocation.”
The bribes to Rafael Hui amounted to a total of over $1 million. In December 2014, Thomas Kwok was convicted by the Court of Final Appeal of “conspiracy to commit misconduct in public office,” and sentenced to five years in prison and a fine of $500,000. Rafael Hui was also jailed. Raymond Kwok was cleared of all charges.
I’m not suggesting that we need another Flood. Just pointing out that, if God regretted creating humans back then, He should take a look at the current crop of humans.
Which brings me around to the idea that we experience these little ‘baby floods’ (in comparison to The Flood) as a reminder that we ought to straighten up and fly right.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.