I feel guilty, this morning, that I always include the word “FIRE” in the title for my daily humor columns.
“READY, FIRE, AIM”
That’s one of the big problems with humor. A good deal of the time, we’re joking about something no one ought to joke about.
We have an actual 1,300-acre “FIRE” burning here in Pagosa Springs, threatening homes and people and animals along County Road 335.
Some of my friends and acquaintances have been ordered to evacuate.
And people who are not my friends or acquaintances, and likely will never be my friends or acquaintances, have also been ordered to evacuate. But I’m not playing favorites. I have everyone equally in my prayers.
This is not the type of “FIRE” that I’m talking about in my title. Just want to make that very clear.
Certainly when you live in a flammable landscape, you ought to be “READY” for a wildfire. But the “FIRE” in my column title refers to when you “FIRE” a gun. Or a cannon. Or a missile.
It’s sort of a joke on the well-known expression “READY, AIM, FIRE” which tells us that we ought to be “READY”, and take careful “AIM”, before firing a gun. And also, before proposing marriage.
There are many dangerous choices in the world. A gun and a marriage are two of them.
My little joke of switching the order of the words — “READY, FIRE, AIM” — refers to my well-known tendency to stick my foot in my mouth by “FIRING” off thoughts and opinions before taking careful “AIM”.
Some readers may have thought I was referring to “FIRING” an employee. But I don’t have any employees.
Nor am I encouraging anyone to “FIRE” their own employees.
Not am I encouraging anyone to hire employees, for that matter. Because you’re only going to have to fire them, eventually.
We can also “FIRE” our elected government leaders, but only during an election, every two to four years.
Things were different at other times in history. Back then, you normally had to execute your government leaders to make room for new ones.
Often, the executions entailed a firing squad.
When Marshal Michel Ney was sentenced to death by firing squad for his role supporting the brief return of Napoleon Bonaparte from exile in 1815, Marshal Ney himself gave the command to fire.
His final words to his firing squad (according to legend):
“Soldats, quand je donne l’ordre de tirer, tirez droit dans mon cœur. Attendez l’ordre. Ce sera ma dernière pour vous…”
“Soldiers, when I give the order to shoot, shoot straight into my heart. Wait for the order. It will be my last for you…”
He didn’t say, “Ready, Aim, Fire” because he was French. He would have said, “Tir à visée prête!” Which means essentially the same thing.
But once again, this is not the type of “FIRE” implied by my column title. There’s nothing funny about firing squads, so I wonder why I’m even talking about this.
Actually, I have never owned a gun. Or cannon, or missile. So take whatever I say about aiming, and firing — or firing, and aiming — with a grain of salt.
I have, however, owned a typewriter, and then later, an electric typewriter, and then a desktop computer and eventually a laptop. (Yes, I also own a phone, but I don’t use it to write humor columns.)
They say the pen is mightier than the sword.
But hardly anyone writes with a pen these days, unless they’re signing a check. And even fewer people use a sword.
Guns have pretty much totally replaced swords.
If swords were still the weapon of choice, I could title my columns, “READY, STAB, AIM”. Actually has a certain ring to it. But I’m going to stick with “FIRE”.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.