‘Tis the Season to be Jolly. And also, to Acquire more Things.
I got a text from each of my kids last month, linking to their favorite Christmas list apps, respectively. There are a plenty of apps out there that make it easy for friends and family to remotely check things off your widely-shared Christmas list, so you don’t accidentally end up getting multiple “Taylor & Travis Devotional Prayer Candles” as gifts. One is probably all you really need.
But I wonder if my kids are following the Rules of Acquisition?
At some point in the distant future — it has been foretold — the human race will boldly go where no man has gone before, and will make contact with the Ferengi, a galactic race known to be hyper-capitalistic, focused on the acquisition of profit as the highest goal.
This has not happened yet, of course, because we’re still having trouble just getting people to the Moon. In order to meet up with actual Ferengi, we’re going to have to equip our spaceships with Warp Drive and boldly trek across the universe. That kind of travel is still in the theoretical stage.
But thanks to the creative writers behind the Star Trek franchise, and in particular, the writers for the Deep Space Nine series, we already know quite a bit about the Ferengi. They have enormous ears, for instance, and are meticulous about how they dress.
My personal interest in the Ferengi culture relates to the ‘Rules of Acquisition’. As a hyper-capitalistic culture, the most important rules that guide the Ferengi have to do with acquisition.
We recognize rules as important features of any society. But I don’t believe the Ferengi have any rules related to some very important cultural practices. Like sports, for instance. I can’t recall Ferengi ever discussing football or baseball, two sports that have lots of rules here on Earth.
The most complete version I’ve come across of the Fenengi ‘Rules of Acquisition’ were assembled by an Earthling named Noel Green. You can download that list here.
Some of the Rules may seem obvious to Earthlings. Take, for example:
Rule #3: Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.
This rule, well known here on Planet Earth, has resulted in the domination of the world’s retail landscape by five massive companies specializing in “discounted prices”: Walmart, Amazon, Costco, Schwarz Gruppe, and Home Depot. (Schwarz Gruppe is a European discount retailer.)
Nearly all of the gifts my kids included in their online Christmas lists were available at one or more of these five outlets.
All the ones they will actually receive from me were available at one of these five outlets.
But the Ferengi ‘Rules of Acquisition’ sometimes reflect — accidentally — other very reasonable concerns beyond physical acquisition.
Like:
Rule #49: Free advice is seldom cheap.
Rule #88: It ain’t over ’till it’s over.
Rule #110: Playing dumb is often smart.
Rule #198: You can’t shake hands with a fist.
Taken as a whole, however, the ‘Rules of Acquisition’ reflect the general philosophy: “He who dies with the biggest bank account, wins.”
Two rules that I found intriguing:
Rule #34: War is good for business.
Rule #35: Peace is good for business.
I read through the Rules as carefully as I could. I did not find a rule that claimed ‘Christmas’ is good for business.
I guess that goes without saying.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.