PHOTO: U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower, putting politicians to sleep during his Inaugural speech, January 1953.
In 1953, Eisenhower was entering the White House as the newly inaugurated president, having just returned from his parade. As he walked into the Executive Mansion, his chief usher handed Eisenhower two letters marked “Confidential and Secret” that had been sent to him earlier in the day.
“Never bring me a sealed envelope,” Eisenhower said firmly. “That’s what I have a staff for.”
— from an essay by Ryan Holiday on Medium.com
I was a president once, although I don’t recall an inauguration… and I know for certain no parade took place. Nor did anyone ever try to hand me two letters marked “Confidential and Secret”.
Nor did I have a staff, but that definitely would have been advantageous.
I was president of my ninth grade class at Millard Fillmore Junior High, which in a sense made me president of the entire school, since the ninth graders generally stood a few inches taller than the underclass seventh and eighth graders. Simple physical size played a major role in who wielded the political power at Millard Fillmore.
When I think back on the circumstances of my rise to power, I’m somewhat amazed, because I was one of the smallest boys in ninth grade. 99% of the girls were taller than me. Even the seventh grade girls.
Needless to say, I was not a star basketball player. Nor did I get drafted onto the school football team.
How did I even get elected?
I have to believe it was my campaign speech.
My opponent in the election was actually one of my best friends, Craig Lowe, who had grown his hair long and played bass guitar in a ninth-grade rock band. He also had a girlfriend, Suzie Carpenter, who was hands down one of the sexiest girls in the school. We all had our suspicions about the nature of their relationship.
I, by comparison, sang in the school choir and had never even asked a girl to dance.
But I could tell a joke. Not everyone can tell a joke properly. Craig, for example. He couldn’t deliver a punchline if his life depended on it. But for some reason, when he stood up at the podium, in front of the entire school, to make his presidential campaign speech, he decided to tell a joke. Bad decision. I think the only person who laughed was Suzie Carpenter.
I don’t recall much about my own speech — this was a few years ago — except that I had them rolling in the aisles.
Needless to say, I won the election, and subsequently learned that I didn’t have the slightest idea how to be a president. No one ever explained to me what my duties were, other than banging a little wooden gavel intermittently during student council meetings.
I was never assigned a staff. That would have been so very helpful, to have someone around who actually knew how things worked. Because I didn’t have a clue.
Eisenhower had run an entire war in Europe, so we can assume he excelled at making decisions. But they still gave him a well-paid staff, to review all the secret envelopes.
I see in the news, that the general election in Pakistan has been put off until February. Imran Khan, a former president and star cricket player, wrote a guest essay for the Economist magazine, from his prison cell, warning that the election there is at risk of becoming a farce.
As unbelievable as it seems, America might soon have its own former president and TV reality show star, writing guest essays from his prison cell, warning that the election is at risk of becoming a farce.
In our case, the prison sentence could theoretically be related to secret envelopes, that somehow made their way into the former president’s bathroom, at his home in Florida?
So I guess I was lucky.
If I’d known about what can happen to presidential candidates, I would never have run for president at Millard Fillmore Junior High…
…no matter how many sealed envelopes they promised me.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.