Watching and waiting, visitors from the Moon orbit the planet. Their mission: Conquer Earth. Of course, that’s the easy part…
Regarding Earth, the Malthusians had one code: Never interfere.
Of course, a full-scale invasion featuring thousands of ships, heavy terrain walkers, magnum beam guns, and city-sized, prefabricated barracks could not be passed off as anything but interfering. All advanced civilizations show some degree of hypocrisy. The more advanced, the more hypocritical.
And it wasn’t like they hadn’t meddled before. Malthusia had stepped in during the Sack of Rome, the Inquisition, the Boxer Rebellion, and the 2020 Election.
The 2020 Election? You didn’t think they were letting Trump win again, did you?
“There you have it,” Captain Rollhagan said, turning off a widescreen monitor. He sat with Bill Dodson, the chief expeditionary force commander, in the ship’s boardroom. The latest White House press conference, chaired by Jen Psaki, was over. Nothing but Covid, inflation, insurrection, crime. Dodson took off glasses and frowned. For him it was personal. The planet might be wrecked before he had a chance to do it.
Two more officers walked in. “What did I miss?” Kenneth Kern smiled his superior smile, as usual.
“Nothing,” Rollhagen said. “More of the same.” Ensign Tate sat discreetly at the far end of the table.
“We have a problem, people,” Cmdr. Dodson began, once they had settled. “It seems Earth is going to heck in a handbasket.”
“Isn’t that rather good news?” Kern said.
“Not in my book. We want them plump and happy.”
Kern looked at his nails. “They’re still plump, I take it.”
Malthusians were vegetarians. They lived on the Moon, where they tended vast underground farms. Obesity was unheard of.
“But they’re not too happy,” Dodson said. “It means trouble, and the populace fully engaged. They’ll watch CNN and Fox News. Obsess over gas prices, the stock market, Russia, China, the supply chain, all that. Donald Trump’s at it again, making more noise than ever. All this means real politics, not the joke politics we prefer.
America is on high alert. Needless to say, you can’t have a surprise attack without the surprise.”
He let this sink in.
“How about an elf?” Ensign Tate asked. She didn’t have to explain. They all knew the term. It stood for Exact Live Face.
The men considered this. The program worked before. You simply kidnap an important leader and replace him or her with a cleverly made-up Malthusian. President Eisenhower was an elf. So was Obama. An easy gig, all the elf had to do was smile and deliver platitudes.
“Who would you replace, Ms. Tate?” asked Dodson.
“I guess Joe Biden. Isn’t he the natural choice?”
The commander frowned. “What’s he done to bother us?”
“You’re right, Bill,” said Rollhagen. “There’s nothing to gain.” Then added quickly, “No offense, Ms. Tate.”
“I always thought he was an elf,” smiled Kern.
The captain was not amused. “Let me remind you, Mr. Kern, this is serious business.” For the next half hour the group bantered and brainstormed. They weighed the pros and cons of replacing Nancy Pelosi, Mark Zuckerberg. The entire Supreme Court…
Finally the idea was dropped. Kenneth Kern, a communications expert, reminded them that nearly all politicians used teleprompters. All you had to do was hack in, and they’d repeat whatever was needed.
End of problem. The group retired to lunch and a quick nap. Malthusians are a very efficient people.
And successful. Only once, in recent memory, were they stymied. Desperately, they wanted to replace Donald Trump. Much thought was invested but in the end, the whole thing had to be abandoned. Trump shutting up? No one would have believed it.
Richard Donnelly lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Classic flyover land. Which makes us feel just a little… superior. He publishes a weekly column of essays on the writing life at richarddonnelly.substack.com