Before I get too deeply into the reasons why I don’t trust myself, I’d like to offer a disclaimer, of sorts.
I write these occasional “READY, FIRE, AIM” humor columns for the Daily Post, intending to elicit a smile, a chuckle, or even a guffaw. As such, my columns makes extensive use of fake news.. I totally make up the stories I share in these Daily Post columns. The ‘facts’ are purely imaginary.
It’s possible that some readers are unaware of this idiosyncrasy, so I want to state it as clearly as possible.
Do not believe anything you read in “READY, FIRE, AIM” columns written by Louis Cannon!
All my previous humor columns have made blatant and unapologetic use of fake news… assuming, meanwhile, we can overlook a few incidental details might vaguely relate to actual events. I once wrote a column, for example, about a speech delivered on January 6, 2021, and I quoted the speaker as saying the following:
“That election — OUR election — was over at 10 o’clock in the evening. We were leading in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Georgia — by hundreds of thousands of votes. And then late in the evening, or early in the morning — BOOM! These explosions of bullshit. And all of a sudden…”
At this point, the speaker had to pause… because the wildly enthusiastic crowd was going crazy and began chanting in unison, “Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit…”
I suspect that this speech — as humorous as it may have been — may have actually taken place, based on the numerous video versions that appeared the next day on YouTube and elsewhere. (Nearly all of those videos seem to have disappeared, however, and that makes me wonder if I actually saw them or not?)
Which bring me to my point. The US news media is fake. Not just the humor columns, but the whole kit and caboodle. How do I know this? Because the fake news media assures me that it’s true!
The non-mainstream media very accurately points out that the mainstream media delivers fake news. The mainstream media very accurately points out that the non-mainstream media delivers fake news.
It’s all fake, if you believe what you read in the media.
I might be the only one around who is admitting that my humor columns are based on fake news, which in a sense makes me the only honest person in the room.
Some fake news I came across last week discussed this problem from a slightly different perspective.
Magellan Strategies are pleased to present the topline results of an online survey of 769 Colorado registered voters. The interviews were conducted from February 9 to 17, 2021. This survey has a margin of error of +/- 3.53% at the 95 percent confidence interval. The survey data were weighted to be representative of the demographics of the registered voter population in Colorado as of February 1, 2021. This survey is a Magellan Strategies project and was not funded by any individual, company, or organization.
This (supposedly altruistic) survey states that a majority of Coloradans — 54% — have “no trust at all” in the national media. (Makes me glad I’m not writing for the national media, even though I’m actually trying to write fake news.)
Only 4% of the respondents reported “a great deal of trust” in the “national media”. And 38% reported that they have “no trust at all” in state and local media.
I am totally on the same page with the Colorado registered voters surveyed by Magellan Strategies. The fake news articles shared by the national media — CNN, ABC News, Fox News, the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Hollywood Reporter, National Enquirer — are an embarrassment to our American culture. The only thing we can honestly believe are the humor columns, like this one.
But Magellan Strategies didn’t stop there. They also asked these 769 Colorado registered voters their “opinions” about some really vague concepts.
I think I understand what it means to say “I don’t trust the New York Times.” But what does it mean to ask someone if they have a “somewhat favorable” opinion of “Stock Markets”? I’m not even sure if I know what a stock market is. I think it’s something like playing the Lottery, but I might be misunderstanding the whole thing.
One thing I am sure of. Because these survey results subsequently appeared in the mainstream media, they are undoubtedly fake. Magellan Strategies could have been clever about their survey, and filed it under “Humor”. But they didn’t. They acted as if these were real numbers.
Which then poses a dilemma. Since I have now shared these Magellan graphs in my humor article, which is supposed to be fake, can I even trust myself?
Definitely not.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.