READY, FIRE, AIM: When Hell Freezes Over

When I looked out the window Monday morning, and found the blood-red sun shining through a thick haze of smoke… and my cherished San Juan Mountains also hidden from view… my first thought was, naturally:

“Armageddon!”

The world is on fire. We’re all going to die…

But then I thought a little more. “Actually, I’ve seen it just as smoky as this on several previous occasions, here in Pagosa Springs, and the world didn’t end. So maybe this isn’t Armageddon. Maybe you’re just feeling edgy because of all the political upheaval… and deaths from the coronavirus… and the fact that you’re twenty pounds overweight.”

Then I realized that I didn’t even know what the word, “Armageddon” means. I’ve always held the opinion that if you’re going to be terrified by a certain word, you ought to know its meaning.

So I did what I often do, while sheltering at home. I wasted several hours on the Internet.

Turns out that Armageddon is actually a place. From the Book of Revelation (King James Version):

Then the sixth angel poured out his bowl on the great river Euphrates, and its water was dried up, so that the way of the kings from the east might be prepared. And I saw three unclean spirits like frogs coming out of the mouth of the dragon, out of the mouth of the beast, and out of the mouth of the false prophet. For they are spirits of demons, performing signs, which go out to the kings of the earth and of the whole world, to gather them to the battle of that great day of God Almighty.

“Behold, I am coming as a thief. Blessed is he who watches, and keeps his garments, lest he walk naked and they see his shame.”

And they gathered them together to the place called in Hebrew, Armageddon.

So, from what I can gather — not being an expert at deciphering Middle Eastern prophesies originally written in ancient Greek and then translated in 17th century English — the kings of the earth are supposed to assemble their armies at this place called Armageddon, which some people think might be located in modern-day Israel.

Some things that resemble frogs are involved in causing the kings to assemble. This requires some interpretation, not least of all because. over the past 200 years or so, kings have pretty much gone out of fashion, and have been replaced by “presidents.” The part about “watching and keeping his garments”, and not walking around naked, is also a bit confusing. Are these the presidents who are watching while keeping their garments? I hardly think most presidents need to be told to keep their clothes on.

As I said, I wasted several hours on the Internet, and came away more confused than when I started. But these kinds of problems have their way of working themselves out, if you simply watch and keep your clothes on. The sun slowly set, on Monday evening, dropping down into a thick haze of smoke that had settled over us, courtesy of some huge wildfires in Utah and California.

The San Juan Mountains were completely hidden by the dense smoke.

By late Tuesday afternoon, we were experiencing a downpour of freezing rain, and some reports were predicting up to12 inches of snow atop Wolf Creek Pass by Wednesday, maybe more.

I was especially glad to be wearing my clothes.

And I wondered if this was what was meant by the old saying, “When Hell freezes over”.

Louis Cannon

Louis Cannon

Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.