Warning: This humor column mentions situations that some people will find disturbing.
Specifically, the story refers to ‘converters’ in Colorado. Consider yourself warned.
Over 1,000 catalytic converters have been stolen from the undersides of automobiles in Denver, and so far — reportedly — law enforcement has not made a single arrest. In order to remove the converters, the thieves typically saw through the car’s exhaust pipe. At night. While no one is watching, presumably.
The same problem is playing out all across Colorado… across the whole dang USA, for that matter. Here’s a photo from the Marin County, California, Sheriff’s Office:
Luckily, we have access to the Facebook Marketplace, where we can find used catalytic converters for sale, cheap.
In case yours happens to get stolen. Hundreds of catalytic converters. Some priced as low as $150. Just waiting to be welded back on.
Thank you, Facebook.
These devices are called “converters” because they use very expensive metals like platinum, palladium or rhodium as a “catalyst”, to convert ordinary car exhaust into very expensive car exhaust.
I’m not sure why I’m writing about this. I haven’t heard of anyone in my neighborhood losing their catalytic converter. My neighbor did, however, get her coin purse full of loose change, stolen from her car two nights ago. Probably not the kind of thing that will show up in the Facebook Marketplace.
“Imitation silk coin purse containing a selection of coins. $50. Free shipping.”
Someone needs to be pretty desperate to steal a lady’s coin purse. But at least it wasn’t her catalytic converter.
Apparently, there’s a way to discourage catalytic converter thieves. You buy a $4 can of pink spray paint… jack up your car… and spray your catalytic converter pink. Thieves don’t like to steal pink catalytic converters, because they are harder to sell on Facebook. Most people want either rust-colored or shiny steel-colored, especially if they’re replacing one on a pickup truck.
Like I said, I’m not sure why I’m writing about this. As far as I know, Pagosa is not seeing a rash of catalytic converter thefts. My actual intention was to write about the people who are stealing our houses.
Okay, yes, I’m exaggerating. People are not exactly ‘stealing’ our houses. It’s not like they’re cutting them out with hack saws in the middle of the night. These ‘house converters’ are actually paying top dollar, and getting a legal deed to the property. But it feels like they’re stealing the houses, because no one lives there anymore. These were once neighborhood homes, with real families inside, but they’ve been converted into something else. Something much more expensive.
Some sit empty, except for a couple of weeks in July. In essence, these homes have been “converted” into expensive storage units containing high-end furniture, stainless steel appliances, large screen TVs and framed oil paintings of horses and mountains.
The more problematic conversions occur when homes are converted into party houses for visiting tourists. The buildings still look like homes… but don’t be fooled. A house that was once worth $200,000 will easily bring in $400,000 once it has been converted. But you will not find these converted party houses in the Facebook Marketplace, of course. You’ll find them, instead, on VRBO.com, Booking.com, and AirBNB.com.
While the Denver police have not yet arrested a suspect following the disappearance of over 1,000 catalytic converters, most of the people who have been converting homes into vacation rentals have come forward willingly, and voluntarily, and given their names and addresses to government clerks. So we know who they are. (Or at least, the clerks know who they are.)
You can even open an interactive public mapping application, created by the Town government, showing with yellow dots where the vacation rental conversions have taken place.
Rumor is, you can prevent your house from being converted to a vacation rental, if you paint it pink.