Is there such a thing?
Modern Romance?
Or is ‘romance’ a hopelessly outdated concept? The last refuge of the desperately old fashioned?
About ten years ago, comedian Aziz Ansari and NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg designed a massive research project, including hundreds of interviews and focus groups conducted everywhere from Tokyo to Buenos Aires to Wichita, to find out how modern romance happens, or if it even happens. The resulting book was titled, appropriately but perhaps unimaginatively, ‘Modern Romance’.
The book attempts to explain what happened to romance in the years since our parents got together. It’s not a pretty picture.
But was it ever a pretty picture?
A few decades ago, people would find a decent person who lived in their neighborhood, typically next door. If you didn’t live on the same block, then you were probably were in the same algebra class in high school. Or, in rare instances, you were introduced by a couple of friends and you all four went to a drive-in movie, where the two friends made out in the back seat, leaving you and your date mildly traumatized, which actually brought you closer together.
After a few more dates and a wild night following Senior Prom, you got married and started having kids. At which point you discovered that the romance had vanished, and that you had married the wrong person.
But you stayed together anyway, for the children’s sake, and for the income tax advantages.
Nowadays, people delay marriage and children, and spend years of their lives on a quest to find the perfect person: a soul mate. All the while, missing out on the benefits of filing jointly.
From what I can gather — not currently being on that quest myself — the search for modern romance takes place largely online, where everyone is smiling. They are smiling because they haven’t yet entered into a relationship.
Life may have been easier when you simply married the person next door and made the best of it. But if you’re looking for your soul mate, there’s a good chance they don’t live next door. In fact, they might live in a different city, or even a different country. Canada, for example. Or Costa Rica.
I’ve always wanted to go to Costa Rica. And going there to meet a woman I met online would be as good an excuse as any.
With Costa Rica on my mind, I decided to do some research into online dating apps, of which there are dozens, both free and paid. Free is always a good choice. Except when you are dating.
If I were trying to date someone in Costa Rica, I would want to know that she forked out some real money for my profile. I don’t want to travel 3,100 miles just to find out that she doesn’t like to pay for dinner. Does she think I’m made of money?
One of the more trendy dating apps is called ‘Tinder’. It has a free version, and based on the reviews, it’s quite popular with people who are looking for a one-night fling. So, probably not your soul mate.
Similarly causal relationships can be found on the app ‘Plenty of Fish’. It’s also free, and thus swarming with attractive people who don’t pay for things.
The most interesting dating app I came across is called ‘Veggly’. It was created to help vegans and vegetarians find their twin flame.
“Veganism is not a diet: it’s a whole set of values that many vegans find a must-have in a partner.”
That’s a nice thought.
The dating app with the reputation for attracting ‘deep’ people — maybe intellectuals, or submarine captains — goes by the name ‘OkCupid’. One reviewer wrote, “The OkCupid dates I went on were often the most interesting, with people I could genuinely chat to.”
I consider myself to be something of an intellectual (certainly not a submarine captain!) so I felt tempted to try chatting to someone on OkCupid.
First, I read the ‘Terms’ that I would have to agree to. These were the eligibility requirements:
- You are at least 18 years old;
- You are legally qualified to enter a binding contract with OkCupid;
- You are not located in a country that is subject to a U.S. Government embargo, or that has been designated by the U.S. Government as a “terrorist supporting” country;
- You are not on any list of individuals prohibited from conducting business with the United States;
- You are not prohibited by law from using our services;
- You have not committed, been convicted of, or pled no contest to a felony or indictable offense (or crime of similar severity), a sex crime, or any crime involving violence; or a threat of violence, unless you have received clemency for a non-violent crime and we have determined that you are not likely to pose a threat to other users of our Services…
They had even more requirements, but I wasn’t sure if I might be on a list of individuals prohibited from conducting business with the United States.
And I didn’t really want to find out.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.