A man much smarter than myself once wrote:
“Ohne Musik wäre das Leben ein Irrtum.”
I’m not saying he was smarter than myself just because he wrote in German. I can also write in German. (e.g. the sentence above.)
But he was pretty darn smart — until he had a mental breakdown at the age of 44. I’m referring (as you probably guessed) to Friedrich Nietzsche, about whom I know a very few facts. He wrote a fair number of books, and then went crazy, stopped talking, and later, died.
I’ve always admired that one particular aphorism, however. “Without music, life would be a mistake.”
It’s something a brilliant philosopher might say… before going insane.
The same can be said, I think, for chocolate. “Without chocolate, life would be a mistake.” And fortunately, you do not need to be a brilliant philosopher to say it.
Since I’m not a musician, but have been known to nibble the occasional chocolate bar, I will focus in this column on life without chocolate, and why we might want to avoid such a mistake.
First, a very few facts about chocolate. Unlike money, chocolate grows on trees. According to Aztec mythology, the first cacao tree was stolen from a sacred mountain by the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl. Or else he stole it from heaven. (Online sources disagree, as usual).
Quetzalcoatl then taught women how to make cacahuatl (‘drinking chocolate’) which was a terribly bitter but stimulating beverage. Quetzalcoatl eventually met with an unhappy ending, but he left us with chocolate, bless his heart.
The Aztec either liked bitter drinks, or else they simply hadn’t thought to add a little sugar. They saw cacahuatl as a food of the gods, and generally reserved it for royalty.
We’ve come a long way since those days. No more of that ‘reserved for royalty’ nonsense.
I think is worth mentioning that cacao pods served as symbols of fertility, often portrayed in sculptures and carvings, and also served as a convenient currency: four cacao beans would buy a rabbit, ten a prostitute, one hundred a slave. Columbus brought cacao beans back to Queen Isabella as a curiosity, but had no idea of its special qualities. (Nor, presumably, their value for buying a prostitute.) By the 1600s, however, chocolate had become a popular drink in Europe, with a ‘chocolate café’ in every self-respecting village.
We can now buy chocolate — as a candy — in practically every grocery store and convenience store anywhere in the world. (It’s still available as a drink, in cafés, often mixed with coffee, or as hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. But I imagine most people eat it as candy. Speaking for myself.)
As I’ve already suggested, life without chocolate would be a mistake. And there’s very little financial justification for making that mistake, considering that most chocolate bars cost less than $2. Yes, for a few dollars more, you can buy the fancy organic ones, and the ones that are 80% cacao, and the ones with non-sugar sweeteners like stevia and monk fruit. Personally, I like plain old white sugar with my chocolate.
And I don’t like spending over $2.
What would a life without chocolate even look like? There would be nothing tempting you, as you wait in line to purchase your groceries, except maybe chewing gum and cigarette lighters.
Certain scientists have tested the various chemicals found in chocolate, to try and discover why people are more likely to conceive children after eating chocolate. The various chemicals include mild stimulants like caffeine and theobromine… phenylethylamine, mildly analeptic, euphoriant, supposedly aphrodisiac… anandamide, which stimulates the brain’s cannabinoid receptors…
The combination of all these chemicals?
I often complain, in these columns, about the silly things scientists decide to study, looking for answers. As if everything that happens depended on molecules.
I can easily explain why eating chocolate stimulates larger families.
Because they come in a heart-shaped box, accompanied by a bouquet.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.