Earlier this month (like, on Tuesday) Washington Post columnist Michelle Singletary explained that it’s not actually a man’s world.
Financially speaking.
She wanted to debunk five myths about women and money. And when someone starts debunking myths, I like to be first in line to witness the bedunking.
She admitted that men control Wall Street and the banks. (Just to be clear, I am not one of those men.) And she concedes that men generally get paid more than women, doing the same job. (I can safely claim that no one, male or female, is paid less than me for writing humor columns. In other words, Ms. Singletary was not writing about yours truly.)
The myths getting debunked didn’t concern power, or pay. It was more about women living longer than men, and having the last financial laugh. But what do they do with all that leftover money?
Myth Number One: Women spend more money on foolish purchases, per capita, than men.
I’ve only been married once, and that was so long ago I can hardly remember what it was like. But I do remember Darlene buying shoes. A lot of the shoes, that she wore maybe once, like to a New Years Eve party at the Johnson’s. Or maybe twice. Which I understand. They weren’t comfortable shoes (like the kind I normally wear.) They were ‘show off’ shoes.
But even with all those shoes, the total cost didn’t come even close to the sailboat I bought. (This was before we had kids and ended up living on food stamps.) Uncomfortable shoes are a foolish thing to buy, but buying a sailboat when you live in New Mexico is probably even more foolish.
Myth Number Two: Women don’t know how to negotiate a raise.
While we were married, Darlene got a raise practically every single year. I’m still working for the same salary as 10 years ago.
Myth Number Two: Women don’t know how to invest.
Actually, this might not be a myth. While we were married, Darlene invested in a gold mine, a company that made stick-on fingernail polish, a company that bottled ionized water, three companies that made herbal medicines, and a slingshot manufacturer. All the companies eventually went bankrupt, but not until Darlene had invested thousands of dollars. Without my knowledge. I only found out by accident.
I invested in the Daily Post, years ago, but it was like $50 to get in on the ground floor. Obviously, it hasn’t gone bankrupt yet. (Darlene found out by accident.)
Myth Number Four: Women are more spooked about the stock market than men.
Obviously, whoever came up with this myth has never talked to me about the stock market. My friend Marsha told me, back in 1987, to buy stock in a little California company called Apple. I laughed. Ha! You don’t get me gambling away my hard-earned money.
Marsha invested $100. Her Apple stock is now worth over $200,000.
Myth Five: Women are too emotional to be good money managers.
Well… now Ms. Singletary has gone a bit too far in her debunking effort. We all know perfectly well that women are too emotional to be good money managers. Women are easily excited by the proximity of a shoe store, just as men are easily excited by the proximity of a gun shop. We are all too emotional to be good money managers. We’re just too emotional about different things.
Speaking for myself, I keep my wallet in a locked closet, the key to which is kept in the trunk of my car. And the car keys are kept in a tightly closed jar in the back of the refrigerator.
There are solutions to emotional weakness. You just need to be creative. Financially.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.