It’s the most wonderful time of the year. According to singer Andy Williams, and others.
There’ll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There’ll be scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago…
I actually don’t remember the ‘scary ghost stories’ part of the celebration. But the parties, yes… and the caroling… and tales of the glories.
One of the tales of the glories involved some wise guys bearing gifts, who may have been astrologers since they were apparently following a star. Who they were exactly, the story doesn’t say. They’re just referred to as “Magi”. But they were definitely bearing gifts.
The tale also doesn’t mention the number of wise guys. There might have been a dozen Magi, or more, for all we can tell. But we know they were seeking the newborn King of the Jews. (The miniature nativity scenes generally include three wise guys, but that’s probably to simplify production.)
The important part is, the Magi were bearing gifts. Gold, frankincense and myrrh, which were apparently valuable items back then. Gold is still pretty valuable, these days, but frankincense and myrrh, maybe not so much. You can get a pound of frankincense at Walmart for $16.50, which makes it cheaper, per ounce, than cinnamon.
Myrrh runs about $32 a pound at Amazon. (Safety Info: Not to be used during pregnancy or in cases of excessive uterine bleeding.)
Presumably, the Magi thought they were going to find the new King in an elegant royal palace… and they ended up in Bethlehem, in a barn full of animals, bestowing expensive gifts on a poor Jewish couple. What were Joseph and Mary going to do with boxes full of expensive gifts? They were now going to need a pickup truck, to get all the stuff back to Nazareth. But what did they have? A small donkey.
If I know anything about newborn babies, what Mary really needed was a supply of Pampers and an umbrella stroller.
And for the baby: a pacifier, a rattle, and a set of those rainbow stacking rings.
You can probably see where I’m going with this…
Besides the marshmallows and caroling and parties (and ghost stories?)… we have the problem of gift-giving. And it’s a problem. Not just for people like Joseph and Mary.
The Magi set the stage for us, by bringing the newborn King the wrong gifts. And we have all carried on the tradition, for two thousand years.
One particularly wrong gift, that has become part of that tradition, is a pair of socks. Yes, we all need socks. But we don’t need bright red socks decorated with green Christmas trees. We need ordinary black or white socks. Maybe brown.
We also don’t need another set of headphones. (I’m hoping my kids are reading this column.) Or really, anything electronic. We already have a closet full of old electronics — most of them no longer functional — and they got ‘old’ amazingly quickly.
A new toaster will not be useful, because I’m now on a gluten-free diet… and try as they might, the big corporate bakeries have still not come up with a decent-tasting gluten-free bread.
Actually, the bottom line is, I don’t ‘need’ anything. My house is so full of consumer products, I can hardly get to my front door without stepping over boxes and plastic tubs.
And I’m not even going to mention Roscoe’s collection of cat toys.
After years of struggling with this problem (thanks a lot, Magi) I’ve come to conclusion that there’s one gift that truly keeps on giving.
Nothing.
The advantages of giving — and getting — nothing for Christmas are nearly endless.
Nothing never goes out of fashion.
Nothing never gets broken and sits around in your closet waiting to get repaired.
Nothing is extremely affordable. Can’t be misplaced. Never the wrong size. Doesn’t need batteries. Never gives off an unpleasant odor, never emits CO2.
And you can never have too much of nothing.
Need we say more?
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.