Recently I pulled a package of cream cheese out of the inner recesses of the refrigerator.
I was looking forward to a hot bagel slathered with delicious cream cheese. But when I undid the foil I was repulsed. Is cream cheese supposed to have green fuzz on it? I don’t think so. What I had here was a high school science project that required a proper burial at sea: the toilet.
My cream cheese had expired! It seemed like only yesterday that I had enjoyed it on a fruit cocktail, but according to carbon-14 dating, that yesterday was eons ago. I decided right then and there to go through the whole damn fridge and check the expiration dates on everything.
I found that on most of my perishable food products the expiration date doesn’t tell you when they actually expire. They warn you: BEST USED BY MAY 12, 2122. And depending on the potency of the unnatural preservatives: BEST USED BY JAN 26, 2240. (It seems to be a matter of relativity.)
What’s the expiration date on my truck? I own a 2002 Chevy Silverado with 200,715 miles on the odometer. That’s a lot of mileage, but I really need to get another 150,000 miles out of her. Hopefully by that time I will have expired, or will be residing at Happy Days Long Term Fun Center.
Chevrolet claims that there are over 1,000 Silverados out there with over 200,000 miles. And one anal retentive owner has logged 1.2 million miles on his old Chevy truck. I estimate that this guy’s maintenance expenses have exceeded 1.2 million dollars. (Don’t get me started on his outrageous fuel expenditure. At least his gas company is thrilled to death.) And mind you, this is for a mere twenty years or so.
What is the total cost of keeping a human being going for a lifetime?
Actually, there’s an expiration date on me: BEST USED BY THE AGE OF 77. And just like my old truck, I can only hope for a few more good years. (I’m 71, my truck is 20.) So far we haven’t had a serious accident or some acute mechanical failure; but we’ve started replacing parts! We both have a problem with leaking, and definitely a big problem with gas!
The average life expectancy for an American woman is 81, and for a man it’s 77. If you live in Hawaii you can live even longer; but if you live in Mississippi I suggest you eat more pineapple and start dancing the hula – immediately.
The life expectancy of a tortoise is phenomenal. (But who the hell wants to be a turtle, besides Mitch McConnell?) Adwaiter, an Aldabra Giant Tortoise lived to be around 256 years old. (c.1750 – 2006) Imagine that! And then there’s Jonathan, a Seychelles Giant Tortoise who is still kicking at over 185 years old and is reported to be dating Madonna. Sometimes there are those who are attracted to disgusting creatures – and Jonathan is no exception.
Some things have a long and glorious lifespan, and others have the shelf-life of a head of lettuce. When we look to the heavens we see twinkling stars that have shone since the beginning of time. Other stars – dwarf stars like Kanye West – will thankfully burn out in the blink of an eye. And then there are stars still shining brightly that died ages ago – Martin Luther King and Bobby Kennedy come to mind.
There are ruthless murderers – dead men walking – who are awaiting their fate on death row. They have been given an expiration date, and they will expire on the day and time prescribed. There is no other instance where an expiration date is accurate down to the exact minute!
Cars, trucks and other products have warranties but not humans — nor is there any guarantee that the United States of America will live on in perpetuity. But there does not have to be an expiration date.
Now is the time for all good Americans to come to the aid of their country. And what kind of country do we have? We have a democratic republic… if we can keep it!
DC has been a frustrated musician for over fifty years, and now has decided to become a frustrated writer. Learn more at DCDuncan.com. He’ll keep you posted.