I often enjoy hyperbolic speech… purely for its humor value.
For instance, I enjoyed a quote shared in the weekly Pagosa Springs SUN newspaper last week, wherein Archuleta County Manager Derek Woodman explained that he ‘completely misspoke’ about the text he had included in a recently mailed, taxpayer-funded TABOR notice.
It’s one thing to ‘misspeak’ about a proposed $6.5 million tax increase, but it might be another thing entirely, to ‘completely misspeak’.
Then again, maybe the difference is negligible? Since we’re talking here about the activities of government employees…
But the situation got me thinking about how we use language in 2022, and especially, words like ‘Amazing’ and ‘Fantastic’ and ‘Absolutely’ and ‘Completely’.
I used two of those hyperbolic words in the headline for this humor column, this morning, wondering if I could attract ‘completely more than normal’ readership.
Reporter Emily McCrary-Ruiz-Esparza expressed a similar interest in ‘linguistic extravagance’ in a story she wrote last month for LitHub.com. She titled her piece, “Generation Amazing!!! How We’re Draining Language of Its Power.” The (amazing!!!) article begins like this:
I noticed it recently when I scheduled my dog for a veterinarian’s appointment. The person who answered the phone was friendly enough and greeted me warmly, and then I made my request.
I’d like to make an appointment for my dog, I said. ‘Wonderful’, said the scheduler. June McCrary. ‘Excellent.’ She needs an anal gland expression. ‘Fantastic!’
I was surprised anyone could be so over the moon to empty my chihuahua’s anal glands — if you Google the procedure I’m sure you will be as well — but in a way, grateful too.
When I shared this story with a friend, she told me about a conversation she overheard between two parents at the park. What are your children’s names? one of them said as they watched a pair of boys fight each other for one of those cold metal animals that bobs back and forth. The other responded but my friend didn’t catch the answer. The conversation went on and one side sounded something like this: Really? Amazing. That’s so beautiful. Just beautiful. How did you choose names like that?
Their names: Matthew and David…
So beautiful, Just beautiful. Amazing. Fantastic.
‘Why do we talk like this, in 2022?’ I asked myself. (Not really expecting an answer.)
The problem with overusing grandiose, hyperbolic language when it’s not actually appropriate (as Ms. McCrary-Ruiz-Esparza thoughtfully reminded us) is an effect called ‘semantic bleaching’. (Probably not a term that will succumb to overuse.)
When we use a word too much, and there are too many excellents and beautifuls floating around, each becomes less valuable…
As we all know, the value of our money is going down. Surely we don’t want the value of our words also going down?
Apparently, we’re in the midst of a linguistic pandemic, where words that were once useful are quickly becoming meaningless… and that this might, in its own way, be more serious than the recent COVID pandemic. But why is this happening?
Turns out that the extravagant misuse of previously-meaningful words is a contagious disease, just like COVID. Person B hears Person A use a word like ‘amazing’ or ‘fantastic’ inappropriately, and next thing you know, Person B is teaching Person C to use the same inappropriate language.
That’s how anal gland expressions become fantastic, and ordinary names like David and Matthew become amazing.
Unfortunately, no effective vaccine has yet been developed. And surgical masks seem to offer limited protection. Even KN95 masks.
How did this pandemic of hyperbolic language come about? We can’t conveniently blame bats. More likely, we should blame the Internet, which is pretty much the culprit for everything bad lately.
Here’s my wonderful theory, which you can take with an fantastic grain of salt.
We’re currently watching the entire globe slowly melt into a lump of blackened plastic. How uncomfortable is that? So, as a result, we need to keep telling ourselves that, actually, things are wonderful. Completely wonderful. Even anal gland procedures are fantastic. Names like ‘David’ and ‘Matthew’ are so beautiful.
Our humor columnists are definitely amazing.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.