The license plate shown above does not belong to me. It was for sale on a website for $4.99.
I seriously considered buying it, until I read the disclaimer.
THESE PLATES ARE FOR PRIVATE COLLECTION OR CRAFT PURPOSED ONLY.
NOT TO BE USED ON ANY VEHICLE.
I felt discouraged, but not defeated.
My search for a “PIONEER” license plate began while I was driving through downtown Pagosa, running a couple of errands. I noticed the yellow-colored license plate on the BMW in front of me. The plate was illustrated with a covered wagon and had the word “PIONEER” at the bottom.
I typically pay close attention to license plates during the summer tourist season, because you never know what those drivers might do. Especially the ones from You-Know-Where.
I always feel more secure when the driver in front of me has a red “FIREFIGHTER” license plate, because I figure, if we crashed into each other and my car caught fire, he would know what to do. (Or it might be a ‘she’. But she would still know what to do.)
But this yellow-colored license plate had me flummoxed.
My first thought was, that I ought to be especially careful, because the driver might be more accustomed to driving horses than driving a BMW.
My second thought was, how in the world can a pioneer afford a BMW?
While I was thinking my second thought, I happened to glance in my rear view mirror. (Something I do occasionally.) And believe it or not, there behind me was another Colorado vehicle with a “PIONEER” license plate attached below her front grill.
What are the chances, really, of being surrounded by Colorado pioneers, during July, in Pagosa Springs? A million to one, I would guess.
The car behind me was not a BMW, however. It was a beat-up Subaru. Dented. Rusty.
The type of vehicle I imagine a “pioneer” should be driving, when they are not in a covered wagon.
All the way home (after doing my errands) I kept thinking about the pioneer in the BMW and the pioneer in the beat-up Subaru… and about what it actually means to be a “pioneer” in 2022.
What are the qualifications?
Like, you could say that I am a “pioneer” in the world of online humor columns. But I don’t think that’s the sense implied by these license plates. I think the sense implied, is that you arrived in Colorado when the Indians still owned the place, and you helped herd them onto reservations, where they belonged. Then you tried gold panning, but couldn’t get the hang of it. Finally, you bought a few cows or sheep and married the minister’s daughter and got elected president of the local Odd Fellows club.
But this cannot be the sense in which my friends in the BMW and the Subaru are ‘pioneers’.
My search then led me to the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles website, where you can learn much more than you ever wanted to know about license plates. On the page titled, “Group Special License Plates” I found out that Colorado manufactures a special license plate for just about any license plate group you want to belong to, including but not limited to:
- Adopt a Shelter Pet
- American Indian Scholars
- Boy Scouts
- Broncos Charities
- Colorado Nurses
- Girl Scouts
- Greyhound Lovers
- Pueblo Chile
- Share the Road
- Support Pollinators
And of course, “PIONEERS”.
In order to qualify for some of these special license plates, you have to actually qualify.
To get a red “FIREFIGHTER’ license plate, for example, you have to be “A person who can provide proof they are an active, volunteer or retired firefighter.”
But you do not have to be a Girl Scout in order to purchase a ‘GIRL SCOUTS’ license plate, which is probably a good thing, considering that most girl scouts are too young to drive a car. At least, legally.
Turns out, DMV says I qualify to purchase and use a ‘PIONEER’ license plate, because anyone who can afford the $50 issuance fee can put one on their car (BMW, Subaru, doesn’t matter) or on a truck that does not exceed 16,000 pounds empty weight. (Note: Pioneers do not drive trucks weighing over 16,000 pounds.)
The DMV could have required me to prove, like they did with the Firefighters, that I was an authentic “active, volunteer or retired” pioneer.
But to DMV, anyone with $50 is a qualified “PIONEER”. No gold panning experience required.
This means that, as a person with a $750 limit on my credit card, I could have my choice of ‘GIRL SCOUTS’ or ‘PIONEER’. (But not ‘FIREFIGHTER’.)
I was ready to spring for the $4.99 plate. But $50… to pretend I’m a pioneer? I need to think that over.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.