Ever since I was very young, there were always things I didn’t get for Christmas.
In 1967, for instance, I didn’t get a Spirograph. As a result, I spent the next 12 months drawing bloody battles between Godzilla and the Japanese army… when I could have been making colorful geometric patterns with a Spirograph. (I didn’t realize the 1945 surrender agreement had prohibited the Japanese from establishing an army. But then, I was just a kid.)
The following year, I didn’t get a G.I. Joe ‘Spaceman’ action figure with various essential space exploration accessories.
Probably a good thing, even though I was disappointed for a while. Turns out, G.I Joe never actually went to the moon. The whole thing was staged on a movie set in Hollywood.
As I get older, the list of things I didn’t receive for Christmas continues to grow. Especially after the divorce. But I’ve now begun tracking the things I didn’t get, that I didn’t really want in the first place. This makes the list more satisfying to look back on, with each passing year.
Here is my 2021 list of ten things I’m glad I didn’t get for Christmas.
10. COVID-19. I guess we’ve all come to the conclusion, at this point, that everyone is going to get COVID-19 sooner or later, no matter if we’re vaccinated or unvaccinated. Doesn’t seen to matter if we wear a mask, or we don’t. But I’m personally tickled pink that I didn’t get it for Christmas. The lump of coal in my stocking was bad enough.
9. A New Snowboard. I’ve never ridden a snowboard, nor expressed any desire to ride a snowboard. It seems like a dangerous activity, from what I’ve seen on TV. So there’s no earthly reason why anyone would get me a snowboard for Christmas. But if they did, then I would feel compelled to try to ride it. Or more likely, spend the rest of my life feeling guilty that I received a snowboard for Christmas and never used it. I will undoubtedly feel guilty about many other things, for the rest of my life, and a new snowboard would only add to the burden.
8. A “Georgia State Flag”. I’m not much of a ‘collector’ as you can tell from this literary list of confessions and regrets. But I understand the “Old Georgia State Flag” has become something of a collector’s item, featuring as it did the distinctive ‘X’ used on the Confederate battle flag. This “updated” flag, with its distinctive ‘X’, was adopted by the Georgia legislature in 1956.
The current Georgia state flag was adopted in 2001. It’s based on the original 1861 flag of the Confederate States of America — different from the more familiar Confederate battle flag — with two red stripes and one white stripe, and a blue field and stars in the upper corner. I did not receive either flag for Christmas. For that, I am grateful.
7. A Dictionary. (I wasn’t exactly sure how to spell, ‘Dictionary’, but my spell-check app found the correct spelling for me. Enough said.)
6. A DVD Player. Many years ago, I bought Darlene a VHS player for Christmas, and we started collecting cassette tapes of our favorite movies. I slowly realized that, the tenth time you watch a great movie, you find yourself looking for all the mistakes, and you realize, maybe the movie wasn’t so great in the first place. Same thing that happens in a relationship, I guess. Later on, Darlene asked for a DVD player, because a lot of her new favorite movies were available only on DVD. When we split up, Darlene took the DVD player and all the DVDs — which was just fine with me. I was not so happy, however, that she also took the pickup truck.
5. A Scrabble Game. Some people might suggest that a house is not a home, without a Scrabble Game in the closet. I beg to differ. To me, Scrabble exhibits the same overwhelming unfairness as our American culture. Why should the Letter ‘Z’ be worth 10 points, when the much-more-useful Letter ‘N’ is worth only 1 point? After all, the Letter ‘Z’ is only the Letter ‘N’ turned sideways. If you review this essay, you can find literally dozens of words that use the Letter ‘N’… and not a single word that uses the Letter ‘Z’.
It’s just like our American economic system. The people who are most essential to our continued existence are the people who are least valued, in terms of income. While the billionaires are eating in fancy restaurants and taking rides in spaceships. What is a billionaire, except a living, breathing, Letter ‘Z’?
4. A Ticket for an 11-Minute Joy Ride to Outer Space. Who would want to sit in a space capsule with a bunch of billionaires, to view our unfair, unjust planet from a height of 50 miles? Not me.
3. A Real Christmas Card. I received two ‘virtual’ Christmas cards this year via email, but not a single ‘real’ Christmas card. Which suits me just fine. When I was married, Darlene took care of mailing out the cards, and then stringing up the cards we received and hanging them like a garland above the living room window. I didn’t say anything about this practice when we were first married, but finally, one year, I asked her why she was hanging the cards above the window. She said it made her feel like all of those people, who sent the cards, were in her living room, celebrating Christmas with her. That’s when I realized that I felt the very same way — except, I disliked half the people who were now in my living room.
2. “TRUMP: Think Like a Billionaire”. The book’s subtitle: “Everything you need to know about success, real estate, and life.” I already have a collection of books by former President Trump, including this one, which was a New York Times Bestseller when it was published in 2005. It’s rated four-and-a-half stars on Amazon. I haven’t actually read it yet, but I like the promo blurb on the back cover. “It’s not good enough to want it. You’ve got to know how to get it.” Luckily, I knew how to get it. The book, I mean. You order it on Amazon. Simple.
The trick is, “Once you get it, you have read it.” Easier said than done. But I’m glad I didn’t get another copy for Christmas this year. I’ve been re-thinking how I feel about billionaires lately. As you probably noticed.
1. A GI Joe ‘Spaceman’ Action Figure. What an amazing world we live in. With enough money, a person can actually buy a GI Joe ‘Spaceman’ doll on Ebay, still in its original box. The very same toy I didn’t receive for Christmas in 1968.
Now that I’m older and possibly more mature, and have a few dollars in the bank, (to say nothing of my various credit cards), I could buy one of these dolls. (Except I shouldn’t refer to them as ‘dolls’. They’re action figures.)
But being older and possibly more mature, I am also aware of the whole NASA moon landing deception, and how it was actually filmed in a Hollywood sound stage. The only people who are actually going into space are the billionaires. So, even though someone (you know who you are) could have bought me a GI Joe action figure for Christmas this year, I’m delighted that they didn’t.
And I hope I don’t get one next year, too. Same goes for the Spirograph.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.