Some 100 hippos, descended from a herd smuggled into Colombia by the notorious drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, are now recognized by a U.S. court as “interested persons” following a decision this month that is believed to be the first of its kind in the United States.
— from an October 26 article by Amy Cheng in the Washington Post, “Pablo Escobar’s ‘cocaine hippos’ are legally people, U.S. court rules”
First of all, I object to anyone referring to these noble animals as “cocaine hippos”. I have never heard of a hippopotamus using, or dealing, cocaine. In the case of Pablo Escobar’s hippos, they probably didn’t ask to be smuggled illegally into Colombia, and even if they did, I’m fairly sure they didn’t want to live cooped up in a private zoo on Escobar’s ranch outside of Bogotá, at 8,600 feet elevation — surrounded by kangaroos, giraffes, elephants and other exotic animals who, I imagine, teased the hippos mercilessly about being overweight.
Following Escobar’s demise in 1993, some of the hippopotami figured out how to escape from the zoo, and are now sometimes referred to as “the world’s largest invasive species” — flourishing in the tropical countryside and wetlands in and around Escobar’s jungle palace (which is now a popular theme park.)
Like the notorious criminal who introduced them to Columbia, the hippos are a source of endless controversy. But mostly, they are loved by the other persons living in Columbia.
Whether they should be classified as a members of the terrorist Medellin Cartel is part of the controversy. I say, ‘No’. But I’m willing to be proved wrong.
Nevertheless, they are seen as potentially dangerous.
Colombian authorities had considered culling the escapees, but Luis Domingo Gómez Maldonado, an animal rights lawyer, filed the lawsuit to prevent their being killed.
Then the authorities had the bright idea to neuter the animals, but couldn’t get any cooperation from the hippos. Understandably. When a 3,000 pound hippo tells you, “No, you cannot touch me there”, you probably want to pay attention. Remember that they are persons. Very large persons, with very large teeth.
The Columbian government next decided to sterilize the hippos using a contraceptive called GonaCon, which has been used in the U.S. to sterilize horses — apparently based on the rationalization that, since the Greek word ‘hippopotamus’ means ‘river horse’, then GonaCon ought to be effective.
Turns out that hippopotami are not even distant cousins of horses. They’re actually most closely related to whales. Who knew?
Not the Columbian authorities, it would seem.
In the meantime, the hippos have been enjoying the pleasant tropical weather in Columbia, and are reproducing as quickly as possible. (Not an easy task, when you weigh 3,000 pounds. Like, who gets to be on top?)
According to recent population counts, the hippos now number somewhere between 80 and 120, and — reportedly — have finally begun to speak Spanish, like the other persons living in Columbia.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.