Okay, sure… I’m kinda handsome. And I have some money in the bank. I have a new car, with leather upholstery. And I love candlelight dinners.
But it’s not about that.
The Republicans love me for my wacky sense of humor.
Now please understand, I’m not talking about “Republicans in general.” There are millions of Americans who claim to be Republicans, and who may even be registered members of the Republican Party. (Why they call it a “Party” I have no idea. Nobody seems to be having much fun.) Ordinary, workaday Republicans don’t know me from Adam, and I doubt any of them love me for my wacky sense of humor… or for anything else.
And I am including my ex-wife Darlene, who was registered Republican — and probably still is — even though she sometimes said she loved me, after a couple of glasses of wine. I’m pretty sure she no longer feels that way. I don’t recall her ever saying she loved me when I told jokes, however.
No, I am specifically referring to “The” Republicans. The ones who run the GOP, and pass the laws in Washington, and who take home the big bucks. They’re the ones who love me for my wacky sense of humor.
“The” Republicans are a fun-loving group, with a deeply held appreciation for funny stories, but you might not know it, because they have to act serious all the time, like they’re in a desperate fight to protect our God-given rights. Has anyone ever heard Mitch McConnell, for example, tell a funny story? I don’t believe so.
And for some reason, the top comedians on the TV (which might also be a computer, or a phone, edpending on your age and political affiliation) all the top comedians tend to be Progressives. Liberals. Probably registered Democrats.
Stephen Colbert. Jon Stewart. Bill Maher. Janeane Garofalo. Trevor Noah. Nancy Pelosi. The list goes on and on.
Where, oh, where, have the conservative comedians gone? Were there ever any around?
Is no one willing to offer up hilarious comments about Joe Biden, and have us rolling on the ground? I might be the only one around, except for maybe Tucker Carlson. (But he really doesn’t know how to tell a joke.)
I mean, come on, guys. Joe Biden! Think about the humor possibilities.
And no one except me, and maybe Dennis Miller, is willing to step up to the plate and take a swing. I’m not afraid of striking out. Even Barry Bonds struck out now and then. (But I think he was a Democrat.)
Humor is not rocket science, folks. Even conservatives can learn to be funny. Like, ‘science’ itself is a very funny topic. Not particularly rocket science… but climate science! Unlimited material there, boys. And no one using it?
But I truly believe, behind the closed doors, in the smoke-filled rooms, “The” Republicans are sharing my humor columns. Howling. Slapping each other on the back. I’m sure of it. Even Mitch McConnell, probably.
If only Darlene had had a sense of humor.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.