I’m a little bit bored.
Same goes for my friends. All three of them.
We’re bored. And we’ve become boring.
Okay, yes, we have perfected our cookie recipes. We’ve reorganized the bookshelves. And we’ve learned much more about Sidney Powell and QAnon than can possibly be healthy.
But the worst part might be the Local News. Yawn. How can a small-town newspaper become so boring?
It’s easy to understand how this happened, of course… with nothing going on, due to everything that’s going on. Newspapers have always been slightly parasitic, depending upon local elected leaders and other deranged individuals to do crazy things, that then make for enticing headlines. But when everything is taking place via Zoom… well, how would anyone commit a murder, or rob a bank, via Zoom? That hardly ever happens.
While it’s certainly a truism that ‘no news is good news’… you’ll never hear the editor of a local newspaper express that particular sentiment.
Lots of things going on, out there in the big, wide world. I see where Vice President Mike Pence got the COVID vaccination on TV, which might rate as either ‘no news’ or ‘good news’. (As previously noted, those are both the same thing.) And I hear the entire US government got hit by some computer hackers with too much time on their hands.
But not too much happening here in small-town Pagosa, other than the long line at the Methodist Church where the food bank has been handing out free boxes. And the free face masks being handed out at my dentist’s office. (But of course you immediately have to take the mask off, because it’s a dentist’s office.)
Hopefully, things won’t stay this way permanently. Eventually, Pagosa Springs will come back to life and our local newspapers will, once again, have criminal activity and outrageous government blunders to write about.
But in the meantime, I propose that local news reporters could have kept us thoroughly entertained by cooking up news that never actually happened, but might have happened if we hadn’t been confined to “house arrest” for the past nine months.
Technically, this would not be “news” as such… but it could certainly be “good news”.
Like, for example, here are some of the news articles that I think would have sustained our spirits during 2020:
“Thingamajig Theatre Company opened their summer season on May 30, here in Pagosa Springs, with a cast of 200 actors from Hollywood and New York. The season this summer will include a dozen Broadway blockbusters, including The Phantom of The Opera, The Lion King, Hamilton, Rent, Cats, Wicked, My Fair Lady, Fiddler on the Roof, Avenue Q, The Producers, Hair, and The Sound of Music. Due to unexpectedly generous contributions from 740 local business sponsors, tickets for the 2020 summer season will be $2 for adults and $1 for children under the age of 35. The theatre bar will be serving free cocktails before, during, and after each show.”
“The Town of Pagosa Springs and the Pagosa Springs Chamber of Commerce have collaborated on a spectacular Fourth of July program this year. “We’ve decided to really pulled out all the stops for the fireworks show,” said Town Manager Leslie Pretzel.”We hired the company that usually designs the fireworks and laser-light shows for Disney World, and they’ve planned a show that they say will last approximately 3 hours. Not wanting to be a spoiler, but the grand finale will feature a dozen Disney characters, each 100 feet tall and made of fireworks, dancing to live music by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.”
“The Archuleta Board of County Commissioner have announced an ambitious plan to completely repair and pave all 300 miles of public roads in the community this summer. The project is expected to start on July 15 and be completed by July 17. “We want to do our best to reduce the public’s inconvenience during the two days of paving,” reported County Public Works Director Sonny Whether. “So we’re making available a fleet of flying cars that can be rented, at no charge, for the duration of the project.”
“The federal project known as Operation Warp Speed will be releasing the new vaccine this week, which is reported to be 110% effective. The vaccine was developed by a consortium of pharmaceutical companies who donated their services in the interests of vigorous public health. The unique medical formula will not delivered via an injection, but will instead be made available as a box of chocolate-covered cherries that can be safely eaten before dinner without ruining your appetite.”
With a bit of creativity, our local news outlets could have been part of the solution, instead of being — like the rest of us — part of the problem.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.