Sending a letter to Santa is easy if you know how. The Postal Service is here to help with guides and tips to help kids write and send their best letters ever. All the information you could possibly need to write a letter, address an envelope, put on a stamp and send it on its way can be found on USPSOperationSanta.com…
— from a press release on the US Postal Service website, November 2020
Yes, a lot of folks are struggling this Christmas, especially with finances. The US Postal Service has apparently decided to address its own impending bankruptcy by encouraging children to spend their allowance on stationary and stamps — conveniently available at local post offices, of course — to send a letter to Santa Claus at this address:
123 Elf Road, North Pole 88888
“…all from the socially distant safety of your own home…”
USPS also explains that the children’s requests — which I can imagine will include robotic dolls and kid-sized AR-15s — will be entered into a special database, and can then be “adopted” by “kind and generous people across the country.”
“Potential adopters can read the letters and pick one, or more, that they’d like to fulfill. For security reasons, potential adopters must be vetted by going through a short registration and ID verification process before they are allowed to adopt any letter…”
This verification process makes a lot of sense. We wouldn’t want undocumented immigrants, for instance, adopting letters from American children. But what I’m really wondering about is, how will the USPS know that the letters are actually being written by children?
Isn’t it extremely likely — during this weird time in our nation’s history — that adults will want to get in on the game? I mean, yeah, the kids are having a hard time, but what about the rest of us? We also need to ask for stuff, but now the Post Office is forcing us to pervert the asking process if we want to get a message through to the “kind and generous people across the country.”
With that problem in mind, here’s how I’ve been composing my letter, to try and get past the censors.
“Deer Santa,
“My nam is Louis. I hop you have me writen down in your list. In the ‘nice’ column. I helpt my mom sweep the kichen. I am hardly ever naughty.
“All my frends at school have new iPhones, but I am still using an old Android phone that my bruther didn’t want. The one I like is the iPhone 12, witch has 5G. 5G is cooler than 4G, becuz 5 is a bigger number than 4. I hop you think so too. It has the A14 processor.
“If your elves don’t know how to mayke the new iPhone 12, I would settle for a iPhone SE 2020, even tho it duzen have Night Mode.
“By the way, my dad got layed off from his job, and he tolled us he is wishing for a big bottel of Chivas Regal to get him thru Chrismas. But he thinks he’s too old to ask you for stuff, so you could leev the bottel in my stocking and I would mayke sure he gets it.
“Your frend,
“Louis
“P.S. If you could get the elves to mayke a hole bunch of COVID vaccine, and leeve some under our tree, that would be realy grate.
“P.P.S. You might not see me on you ‘nice’ list because of that tyme I went to the Principal’s offis. That wusn’t my fault. Logan started it, and Chloe lied. They both should be on your ‘naughty’ list.”
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.