DEVIL MOUNTAIN CHRONICLES: Genghis Khan (and The Horse He Rode In On)

Genghis Khan (1162 –1227) insisted that all young Mongol men marry older women. He felt that a more mature woman had greater wisdom and sense than a young man, and that she could guide her husband through the myriad pitfalls of unbridled male youth. The wise and beautiful Mongol wife was at once disciplinarian and lover, guidance counselor and friend.

Yeah, whatever…

My wife, Jayebird, is much older than I am. In fact, on our wedding day, the woman had to drive over and pick me up at my elementary school. We had met at the playground where she offered me candy. The rest is history.

My sensuous wife has always been a disciplinarian – my personal drill sergeant – and any subsequent trouble in which I find myself is due to rebelling against her authority. The punishment that she metes out when I transgress can be severe. She yells at me and then gives me the silent treatment for a few days. Of course, all my conjugal privileges are suspended until further notice. (How did the Mongols ever conquer all of Asia with such cruel wives pestering them all the time?)

I call my shop the Man Cave, but it’s really nothing more than a lonely time-out room where I do my disciplinary action in solitude. Deprived of beer and sex, I have plenty of time to contemplate my short comings. And think how I can convince my wife that I’ve learned my lesson and will never do (or say) that again ‒ so help me God!

What really bothers me is the fact that she’s right nearly all the time. Oh, she’s righteous and loving and only wants me to be a better person. How can a man possibly fight this kind of unquestionable logic? You can’t.

Not long ago, Jayebird got a new hearing aid. I asked her, “What kind is it?” She replied, “Five-thirty.” Great.

I told her I didn’t know why she even got hearing aids, she wasn’t gonna like what she hears. She leered at me with those wicked green eyes and said, “I can take these suckers out anytime you annoy me.” And she does…

Jayebird actually bought an electronic dog collar ‒ just for me. It’s called a “bark collar.” If I raise my voice to her or scream at the TV, it automatically sends a current of electricity into my neck, making my face contort into a hideous mask. The bark collar comes with a remote control, and if she doesn’t like what I’m saying or doing, she simply pushes the shock-button to remind me who’s the boss. I contacted the SPCA and they convinced her to “cease and desist.” I don’t know why I agreed to wear that thing in the first place.

Part of the problem is that my wife is so anal retentive. She blames it on her early potty training. I don’t know ‒ but she’s so meticulous! Everything has to be just right. In the middle of the night, I’ll get up to go to the bathroom and when I return, my side of the bed is made! Most of the time she makes me take a shower and scrub myself with Doctor Bronner’s Hemp Peppermint, Pure-Castile Soap before I can even touch her. I’ll tell you this: I’m one mean, clean, peppermint machine. (And she was doing all this before the pandemic.)

And, in these uncertain times of coronavirus, I’m surprised I’m not made to wear a hazmat suit to bed.

Somehow the two of us love each other and when I’m on the road, I miss her so much it hurts. Maybe I joke a little about her drill sergeant tendencies, and her need to make everything perfect. But at the end of the day, she is the love of my life, and my favorite girl in the whole wide world.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been instructed to clean up my office.

Thanks a lot, Genghis Khan…