If only I had a nickel for every time I’ve been settled comfortably on the sofa, cold beer in hand, watching one of my favorite sporting events… and I hear Darlene’s voice coming from the bathroom:
“Honey, we’re out of toilet paper. I need you to run to the store…”
But now, thank heavens, we have an entire upstairs walk-in closet stuffed full. And more out in the garage. Probably enough to last through Christmas.
I’ve stopped biting my nails. I’ve been trying to quit that for years now. I can happily report that the taste of Germ-X hand sanitizer works wonders on bad habits.
Maybe the best thing to happen: Darlene’s creepy friend Brenda has stopped trying to hug me.
There’s always a silver lining. I saw on the news yesterday (yes, I’ve been watching the news, now that the sporting events have been cancelled) that arrests are way down. Apparently, criminals are just as afraid of touching other people’s doorknobs and car door handles as the rest of us.
You don’t have to tip at the restaurants, because they’re only doing take-out now. At least, I don’t think you have to; I’ve never actually heard any rules about tipping when you order take-out. You don’t have a ‘waitress’ these days — just a ‘cashier’. Who ever heard of tipping a ‘cashier’?
I hear where greenhouse gas emissions from China are way, way down, due to closed factories and offices and schools. And fewer people driving cars.
Traffic seems a lot lighter here in Pagosa Springs, too. I can make a left turn without too much waiting. And the situation is likely to get better with each passing day.
Assuming I will be driving a car at some point.
I took my 20-year-old Pontiac Aztek to the shop last week to have it checked; it was making a horrible noise in the engine. My mechanic looked it over and declared it a basket case.
“You can’t afford to fix all the things wrong with this car,” he told me. “But wait a couple of weeks, and there will be a lot of good used cars for sale, with this virus going around,” he advised me, with a wry smile.
It’s a weird feeling, knowing I will soon get a great deal on a car, because of someone else’s misfortune. To be completely honest, it’s a good weird feeling.
In the meantime, I could be walking to work… except that I got laid off. Which means I can ethically stay home and watch sports, without Darlene complaining.
Except the games all got cancelled.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.