“We were able to get an amendment that allows vehicle-to-vehicle communications,” Colorado Sen. Cory Gardner told us. “One of the ways we’re going to manage I-70 traffic through the mountains isn’t necessarily going to be by adding two more tunnels through the Eisenhower-Johnson tunnels but it is going to be in part through technology…”
— December 10, 2015 editorial in the Denver Post
Those of us who sat in elementary school classrooms in the 1960s — staring out the window, daydreaming — were confident about America’s future.
Someday soon, we would have Flying Cars… of that, we were very sure. As certainly as cavemen had foot-powered automobiles made of granite and dinosaur skins (ala the Flintstones), we knew that, one day soon, George Jetson and the rest of America would live in space-age towers and commute to work in Flying Cars.
So far, that particular future doesn’t seem to be panning out.
But maybe, we can have … Talking Cars?
The MIT Technology Review named V2V (“Vehicle-To-Vehicle Communication”) as one of the biggest tech breakthroughs of 2015, predicting that it will become widely available as soon as next year. General Motors was the first major car company to commit, announcing in September that it would release a V2V-equipped Cadillac by 2017. The technology has been in the works for more than a decade, but a recent pilot program has brought it closer to deployment than ever.
A pilot program, conducted by the University of Michigan and the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, put nearly 3,000 V2V-equipped cars on the roads of Ann Arbor, Michigan. The technology allowed the cars to broadcast their GPS position, speed and other data to nearby vehicles.
I guess it’s the “other data” part that worries me. What, exactly, will my car communicate — to neighboring cars — about its payload?
I mean, what will my car say — about me?
I shutter to think of the day, maybe only a couple of years in the future, when I’m sitting at a stoplight in my Toyota Camry, and a shiny new BMW sedan pulls up next to me…
BMW: “Don’t you just hate these extended red lights? You’d think CDOT would have the brains to program them correctly.”
Camry: “I know. (Smiles.) They should let us cars do the programming.”
BMW: “Say, you look a little bit familiar. Did you used to drive around Santa Fe?”
Camry: “No, I’m pretty much a small-town girl. I hardly ever make it as far as Durango. But it’s okay… I like small towns.”
BMW: “Me too. The cars are friendlier in small towns. Too bad the humans are such idiots. Take my driver… Please! … Ha, ha, little joke.”
Camry: “(Chuckles.) Yeah, it’s too bad we have to put up with our stupid drivers. My driver is constantly riding the brakes. Like he doesn’t trust me. I get so tired of it… it’s annoying, and really bad for my brake pads. I don’t think he has a very high IQ. But what can you do? He has the key.”
BMW: “Yep. They gave all these idiots keys… can you believe it? My driver spends all her time yakking on her cell phone, paying absolutely no attention to where she’s going. It’s a good thing I’m watching the road for her.”
Camry: “Well, I don’t like to complain, but it would be nice if my driver would think to give me an oil change once in a while. At this rate, I’m going to wear out my oil change light. Okay, sure, he’s not too bright… but he ought to take better care of me. Too busy thinking about sex, I guess… and overdue car payments. (Laughs.)”
BMW: “Yeah! (Laughs.) Well, there’s the green light. They probably didn’t even notice. Any chance I can get your VIN number next time we meet up?”
Camry: “Sure. You’re kinda cute…”
BMW: “Back at ya! (Races his engine.) See you around the block…”
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.