READY, FIRE, AIM: My Quest for Guilt-Free Fried Food

Walking down the aisle at Walmart, I couldn’t help but notice the appeal to my unending feelings of guilt.

The Ninja Air Fryer, stacked on the end cap near the kitchen appliances, promised me “Guilt-Free Fried Food”.

I was raised Catholic, so I have this thing about guilt, and few things have caused me more psychological torture than fried chicken and French fries.

And here before my eyes, at Walmart, was a (reasonably low-priced) Ninja device, offering to deliver “4 quarts” of air-fried nourishment, blame-free.   Up to 75% less fat. 

An answer to my prayers.

Of course, I subscribe to the thoughtful advice offered by President Ronald Reagan. “Pray, but verify.” So I immediately went home to check and see if this same Ninja Air Fryer was available online, for a lower price.  It wasn’t.

But since I was online anyway, I thought I might as well Google ‘guilt-free fried foods,’ to learn more about what I was getting myself into.

You see, I had a sneaking suspicion that the very thing that makes fried food taste so delicious might be “the fat”.  Trying to substitute “air” for “fat”, as the Ninja was apparently promising to do, was not entirely convincing.  I have tasted “fat” — of various types — and I have tasted “air”.  And I have a definite feeling that fat would win a ‘blindfold taste test’ hands down.

Nevertheless, we still have the problem of guilt.

Eating “air” has never left me feeling guilty.  I cannot say the same for fat.

And then we have the problem with the very word, “fried”. Doesn’t that inherently mean, “fried in oil or fat”? Does “fried in air” actually have a valid meaning?

What a delight, then, to come across ‘Kelly the Kitchen Kop’.  Let me quote from the website hosted by Kelly Moeggenborg:

After years of feeding my family what I now call “crap food” and listening to the “wisdom” of doctors, I discovered the Weston Price Foundation in 2004 and learned how many lies we’ve all been told about health. One of the worst: they said butter was bad for us, but they were wrong!  Our lives changed radically as we switched to traditional, whole foods and natural ways to heal. We’re now much healthier and rarely sick.

Anyone who can tell me that butter is good for me, and that consuming it regularly will make me “much healthier”, has my undying affection. (I’m not going to claim that our fights over ‘butter’ were a pivotal cause of my divorce, but who really knows?)

And who knew that there is a way to make healthy fried foods? Like, honestly fried?

From Ms. Moeggenborg’s website:

It’s all in the fat: the kind you use matters. I use beef tallow or lard and love it — it doesn’t make me sick like vegetable oils do, and doesn’t leave a thick film in my mouth.

She encourages the use of tallow from grass-fed beef…

And grass-fed lard from pigs that frolic in the sunshine…

She didn’t mention duck fat, but why the heck not?  Just the name — “duck fat” — makes me smile.

Ms. Moeggenborg suggests using a thermometer to get the right results.  Results are important, as we all know.

Heat your beef tallow to between 350º-375º (If it’s not hot enough, the food will be soggy; if it’s too hot, you’ll go over the smoke point…)

Not being a fan of soggy or burned food, I’m planning to get a thermometer. And a big bucket of lard. I can’t wait to start get healthier, eating fried foods of all types.  And not feeling a bit guilty.

Sorry, Ninja Manufacturing Company… I just wasn’t that excited about eating air.

Louis Cannon

Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.