EDITOR’S NOTE: The following article by Daily Post reporter Louis Cannon quotes a bewildering array of statistics… and we feel obligated to remind our readers that a recent worldwide study reveals that 69% of all statistics are totally fabricated and intended for amusement only. We urge our readers to consider this fact, especially in relation to the following article.
Back in 2009, the two quasi-governmental entities most responsible for storing and delivering drinking water to local ratepayers — the Stinkwater Springs Water and Sanitation District and the San Juanita Water Conservancy District — were making great strides in insuring that area businesses and residents would have sufficient water supplies for at least the next 100 years. The crown jewel of this plan was the proposed Dry Gullet Reservoir.
This had not been an inexpensive proposition in 2009, and it was promising to get even more expensive in the future, because the two districts were planning to come before the voters in 2018 to ask for permission to float bonds worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $150 million to begin building the new reservoir.
Two big problems:
1. Without the reservoir already in place, the districts were not sure that the bonds would have anywhere to float.
2. The districts were ignoring some really, really important statistics.
I know nothing at all about floating bonds. I have trouble just trying to steer an inner tube down the San Juanita River. But statistics, my friend — upon that part of the problem, I hope to shed some light.
The need for the Dry Gullet Reservoir had been pretty conclusively shown by numerous statistics developed by the two water districts since the 2002 drought. But just exactly how conclusive is “conclusively”?
For example, using the average 5% growth rate for Stinkwater Springs between 2000 and 2009, and projecting that growth rate in a more or less straight line through to 2100 (when many of us will be well over 150 years old and probably stuck in nursing homes) the water districts could clearly discern that the Huevos County population was doubling every 20 years. So by 2030 we would have 24,000 people in Huevos County; 48,000 people in 2050; 96,000 people in 2070, and over 300,000 residents by the year 2100.
Even presuming that 25% of those 300,000 people will drink nothing but Dasani Brand bottled water (source: Coca Cola marketing study, 2005) the two water districts were projecting the need for a huge reservoir just to flush all the additional toilets.
However, they were ignoring some equally valid (and somewhat disconcerting) statistics out on the horizon.
To start with, the U.S. government estimates that about 1.2 million Mexicans immigrate into the U.S. each year — most, illegally — and about 12% of them will settle in Colorado. Combined with the high birth rate among Hispanic families, that correlates to a 3.9% Hispanic population growth rate for the state. At that rate, we will have about 178,000 Mexican immigrants (and their children, and grandchildren) living within the Water and Sanitation District by the year 2100.
Meanwhile, another recent study has shown that 68% of the new homes being build in Stinkwater Springs will be purchased by second-home owners, who will live here less than 20 days per year. By 2100, we will have 113,000 part-time residents, mostly from Texas, California, and Pendleton, Oregon.
In other words, over 92% of our population in 2100 will be part-timers… or Mexican immigrants.
It’s well documented that 86% of Mexicans prefer drinking beer over water (either bottled or tap) — which is of course great news for struggling businesses like the Stinkwater Brewing Company, but no so great for Coca Cola’s Dasani brand. Meanwhile, it has also been documented that 71% of second-home owner’s prefer boxed wine over either beer or water.
Additional statistics that will play into our future water requirements:
- Only 3% of Mexican immigrants play golf (currently 15% of area water supplies are used to irrigate the Stinkwater Golf Course)
- Only about 5% of Mexicans water their lawns
- A whopping 78% use straight anti-freeze in their car radiators in place of water.
On the second-home owners side of the equation:
- 88% hire Mexican immigrants to water their lawns while they are gone, but less than 12% of those lawns actually get watered regularly.
- 55% of second-home owner do their bathing at the scenic Stinkwater Hot Springs.
- 98% of part-timers haven’t the slightest idea what’s in their radiators.
Once these additional statistics are combined with the statistics from the water districts, we see that, by the year 2100, the 300,000 residents of Huevos County will actually be using 14% less water, total, than we did in 2009.
Now in 2015, the plans for Dry Gullet Reservoir are ‘on hold’ because a quick analysis of all the pertinent statistics shows that 98% of the water in the new reservoir would just sit there, doing nothing, behind a big expensive dam.
82% of Americans agree: nothing is more depressing than water, sitting there, doing nothing.