One evening Adam Mastroianni was reluctantly putting on his bow tie for yet another black-tie party at the University of Oxford that he had no interest in attending. Inevitably, Mastroianni, then a master’s student in psychology at the university, knew that he would wind up stuck in some endless conversation that he did not want with no way to politely extricate himself. Even worse, he suddenly realized, he might unknowingly be the one to perpetuate unwanted conversation traps for others. “What if both people are thinking exactly the same thing, but we’re both stuck because we can’t move on, when we’re really done?” he wondered.
Thus begins an article by writer Rachel Nuwer in Scientific American, “People Literally Don’t Know When to Shut Up — or Keep Talking — Science Confirms” — posted on March 1, 2021.
Ms. Nuwer proposes here that “science” has confirmed the fact that we don’t know when to shut up. My ex-wife Darlene would also be happy to confirm the fact, no doubt — based on her experiences with certain men.
But Scientific American inserted the word, “Literally” into the title of Ms. Nuwer’s article. I’m not sure whether Darlene would understand what the word “Literally” means, in this particular context. And maybe I don’t either. But I’m going to go on talking as if I do.
Science does certain things well. The ‘Theory of Relativity’, for example. Seems to me, that particular theory has made life much more pleasant for all of us, if we disregard the fact that it led directly to the development of the atomic bomb.
But whether I want a group of scientists telling me when to shut up? Probably not.
Nevertheless, a group of psychologists led by Mr. Mastroianni seems to feel they know where conversational limits ought to be. Their hypothesis is based on the idea that I should stop talking when the other person wants me to stop. I object, your Honor! It’s obvious that I don’t know when the other person has started to feel uncomfortable with the conversation… because they are still standing there, listening to me go on and on… with the same blank look they had when the conversation started. They weren’t paying attention when I began my tirade, and they’re still not paying attention.
The psychologists in the Scientific American article cleverly figured out an experiment that revealed — in a scientific manner — that one or both of the people in a typical conversation talked too long for the other person’s taste.
But guys, I’m not finished talking yet. This is not about the other person… this is about me. I like listening to myself talk. I could be just as happy talking into a mirror, except that it’s doubly uncomfortable when I notice I’m not paying attention to myself.
I don’t need a group of scientists to tell me when I have overstayed my conversational welcome. Most of the time, that happens as soon as the very first words spill out of my mouth. But being a political conservative, I believe deeply in personal responsibility. If the other person wants the conversation to end, all they have to do is start putting on their jacket and say something like, “Well, that’s all very interesting, but I have an appointment at the public library.”
Granted, I’m likely going to follow them out to their car, because I’m probably not done talking yet.
Thankfully, as Ms. Nuwer notes in her article, there’s at least one sensible scientist doesn’t buy into the “People Literally Don’t Know When to Shut Up” theory.
Nicholas Epley, a behavioral scientist at the University of Chicago, who was not on the research team, wonders what would happen if most conversations ended exactly when we wanted them to. “How many new insights, novel perspectives or interesting facts of life have we missed because we avoided a longer or deeper conversation that we might have had with another person?” he asks…
“Do those whose conversations end just when they want them to, actually end up with better conversations than those that last longer?” Epley asks. “I don’t know, but I’d love to see the results of that experiment.”
Mr. Epley — who, we note, is a behavioral scientist at a prestigious university — doesn’t know if conversations, that last far too long, are better conversations. Seems to me that’s exactly the kind of thing a behavioral scientist at a prestigious university ought to know. Why are we paying these people?
Without the benefit of any type of degree or qualifications, I can state, quite literally, that I don’t know when to shut up — and that’s a good thing. For the world as a whole, I mean.