For the first time in human history, hot dogs competed last Friday on the Indianapolis Motor Speedway race track, making two circuits of the track.
The Indianapolis track is 2.5 miles long. So two circuits of the track total 5 miles. Which is about the same distance as from my house to the post office.
If I drove 180 MPH — like the race cars do during the Indy 500 race — and I was lucky enough to hit all green lights the whole way, it would take me less than two minutes to get the post office.
Naturally, this assumes that all the other vehicles were also traveling at 180 MPH, which is unlikely to happen, due to the CDOT highway reconstruction.
If I were driving an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, however — like the ones that raced in the ‘Wienie 500’ last Friday — I would be limited to a maximum speed of 60 MPH. So my jaunt to the PO would take me at least five minutes.
That’s about how long the Wienie 500 race lasted. Two circuits of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway track. About five minutes.
Six Oscar Mayer Wienermobiles, representing six geographical regions of the U.S., went toe to toe (or more accurately, bun to bun) in this year’s inaugural Wienie 500 race, and according to news reports, were limited to a top speed of about 60 MPH.
“The Indy 500 marks the unofficial kickoff of summer and the start of hot dog season,” said Kelsey Rice, brand communications director at Chicago-based Oscar Mayer. “It’s only fitting that we bring a race of epic proportions to the Speedway and celebrate a timeless tradition: delicious meats and a little friendly competition to kick off a summer of wieners.”
A trophy decorated in Oscar Mayer hot dogs awaited in the Wiener’s Circle.
About 80,000 people watched the race on Friday. (That’s more than the entire population of Pagosa Springs and Durango combined.)
“NY Dog” jumped into the lead when the green flag flew, but the wieners swapped the lead among themselves several times until the second lap, when Dog No. 4 led the field out of Turn 2. That’s when smoke began pouring from its rear end, and that dog was cooked.
‘Slaw Dog’, representing the Southeast region, emerged victorious in a thrilling finish, narrowly beating ‘Chicago Dog’ by about half a bun. One commentator wanted to give credit to Chicago Dog for holding a late lead with all those extra toppings weighing it down. (I bet more ‘ketchup’ would have helped!)
No doubt ‘Slaw Dog’ relished the sweet taste of victory.
I once saw one of the Wienermobiles drive through Pagosa Springs… heading west as I recall.
It was a thrilling moment for me.
But there may be moments even more thrilling, awaiting us in the future.
It’s not clear if the race at the Indianapolis Speedway will become an annual event. I ask that question because I found the following photograph on the internet. It shows a Wienermobile and a man wearing an Oscar Mayer jet pack.
Call me weird if you want, but the halo around the man’s head, and the two jet packs on either side, make me think of an orange and yellow angel… just arrived from heaven, to save humankind from a dangerous epidemic of fast-food hamburgers.
It’s possible that we won’t see Wienermobiles cruising the highways in the future… once they are replaced by flying hot dog angels.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.