My friend asked me yesterday if I’m being unfair to the Trump administration in my recent humor columns. I told him, I try to be unfair to everyone equally, but at the moment, the funniest stories seem related to the behavior of the federal government.
Like, for example, President Donald Trump, trying to be nice. I can hardly think of anything more humorous than that.
‘No, no, we’re going to be very nice,” he told reporters last week. “They’re going to be very nice, and we’ll see what happens.”
“They” being China.
The world’s second-largest economy. Aiming confidently for the Number One spot.
The President hinted that the 145% tariff his administration recently imposed on China might be reduced. As part of being nice, apparently. That’s a change in tone, coming from a President who has repeatedly accused China of ‘ripping off’ the U.S.
I personally didn’t notice any ‘ripping off’ taking place. Most of the non-food items I buy are made in China, and they’ve seemed reasonably priced, even after Walmart marks them up.
“I’m not going to say I’m going to play hardball with China, no,” the President said. “We’re going to be very nice, they’re going to be very nice and we will see what happens. Ultimately they will have to make a deal, otherwise they are not going to be able to deal in the U.S…
“So, we want them involved but they will have to make a deal. If they don’t make the deal, we’ll set the deal. We’re going to be setting the deal and it will be a fair deal for everybody…”
Trump added, “145% is very high, and it won’t be that high… We’re going to live together very happily, and ideally work together.”
These upbeat public statements came hours after the President held a meeting with three important corporate CEOs who know a little bit about dealing with China.
CEO of Walmart, Doug McMillon; CEO of Target, Brian Cornell; and CEO of Home Depot, Ted Decker. The big box big boys.
“The big box CEOs flat out told him [Trump] the prices aren’t going up, they’re steady right now, but they will go up,” an administration official told a journalist at Axios. “And this wasn’t about food. But he was told that shelves will be empty.”
I remember a time, recently, when the shelves were empty, but it was only the toilet paper aisle. I remember hearing even more stories about empty shelves in other countries. Are we on the verge of becoming one of those other countries?
I guess my real question is whether being very nice to China can prevent barren store shelves. That’s more important to me, personally, than trying to live together very happily and ideally working together.
I tried that — tried to live together happily and working together — back when I was married. What a lot of wasted time and effort that was.
Fact is, you can make someone happy for a few minutes, or maybe even a few hours, but if they ultimately want to be unhappy, they’re going to be unhappy, regardless.
Gifts can make people happy, for a brief span of time. So wise men often arrive bearing gifts. But the gifts usually wind up in the attic, eventually. Unless it’s food. If the gift is food, it might get eaten right away (before the expiration date) or it might get thrown in the garbage can when no one is looking.
The discussion between the big box CEOs and the President did not involve food, we are told. So then, I assume it involved mostly stuff that’s going to wind up in the attic.
But maybe the CEOs brought gifts to the White House. Probably gifts made in China?
If our President really wants to be nice, I suggest he start by bearing gifts. Maybe, food of the type Chinese people like to eat.
I don’t know if Chinese homes have attics. So just to be safe, I suggest food.
Like, for example, soybeans are popular in China. Or those tasty little Chinese dumplings from City Market.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.