Assuming you even have a budget.
I have never had a budget. I just look in my wallet, and if there’s money in it, I spend it. But I’m also a lucky person who has never received an email telling me I’ve just been laid off. Lots of people have been laid off, here at the Daily Post and in various other agencies and organizations… but so far, I’ve managed to hang on to my job.
But if you happen to have a job that’s funded by, or partially funded by, the federal government — which is most the U.S. and much of Canada and Mexico — then this column is for you!
“Why seven things to cut from your budget?” you may ask. Why not, like, five things? Well, because seven is a lucky number. (See my previous column, yesterday, about “luck”.) Also, that’s all I could think of, with the Daily Post publication deadline looming. Meeting deadlines is helpful if you want to keep your job, although nowadays it doesn’t mean what it used to. You can get screwed out of your job for no reason at all.
These are things you should do immediately, upon getting your DOGE email. There are other things you should do later, but these seven things are crucial to tackle, as soon as you sober up from the requisite three-day bender. Or sooner if possible. But make sure you’re sober.
Step 1. File for unemployment benefits. Although you may be sober at the moment, your liquor bill is going to get expensive, and unemployment benefits can help fill the gap. Luckily, unemployment benefits are usually funded by the state government rather than by the federal government, so in this case, luck is on your side.
Step 2. Review your budget. Okay, silly suggestion. Real people don’t have budgets. Governments have budgets, which is why you’re in this mess in the first place.
Step 3. Stop buying shoes. More shoes will not bring your job back. Also, review all your current expenses and see where else you can cut back. Walk right past the Starbucks at City Market, for example. Don’t even look in the pastry case. You can make your own coffee at home and carry it with you in a thermos. (If you don’t have a thermos, refer to Step 1.)
Step 4. Contact your creditors. The ones who loaned you money. (I’m not talking about your brother or your father. Those loans can wait until you find a new job. If you ever find a new job.) I understand you might be a number of loans. Your car loan. Your mortgage. Your student loan. And the stuff you’re paying off through a payment plan. Your new computer. The banjo you didn’t really need.
Also your utility companies will be needing a phone call. Act contrite. Utility companies like contrite customers.
Ask each of your creditors to let you suspend payments, or make minimum payments. Assure them that you have lots of job offers waiting. You don’t, but tell them you do. It will make them feel better. They actually want to keep you as a customer. And really, what option do they have? You’re, like, unemployed. That’s your strong suit.
Step 5. Health care coverage. Oh, boy. This is a tough one. If you happen to be married, see if you can get on your spouse’s plan. (See, there was a reason to stay married, after all.). If you’re not married, you’ve got about two choices. Apply for a marketplace plan, or make sure you don’t get sick. There’s actually another choice, which is, the hospital has to accept you even if you have no money. But they are going to harass you with bill collectors for the rest of your life. So maybe not a great choice.
Step 6. Clean out your retirement account. Ha ha, just kidding. Don’t touch your retirement! Really bad choice. Sure, you’re temporarily without a job, but you definitely don’t want to find yourself working as a greeter at Walmart when you’re 80. I mean, that might happen anyway, at the rate things are going. But no reason to tempt fate.
Step 7. Now that you’ve accomplished the first six steps, pour yourself a drink. You deserve it. But just one drink, because there are other steps awaiting. Like, you have to try and find your old resumé. The one you thought you’d never need again. And you also need to dig up you library card. There’s lots of free stuff at the library. Books. DVDs. Magazines. Cute librarians.
You need to cancel your gym membership, and your Netflix account.
Find out where the nearest bus stop is located.
Learn to cook. Making bread is surprisingly easy, and it tastes better than store-bought. Especially after a couple of glasses of wine.
And turn down the thermostat. Where’s that ugly sweater your mom bought you for Christmas back in 2009?