The writing on the front of the bag explained that I was eating “All Natural Potato Chips” of the “Cracked Pepper & Sea Salt” variety.
The list on the back of the package revealed a typical array of commonly used ingredients, adjacent to the list of Ingredients and Nutritional Information (Serving Size, One ounce) and the UPC code:
Select Potatoes, Vegetable Oil (Contains One or More of the Following: Canola, Sunflower, Corn and Safflower Oil), Sea Salt, Spices, Maltodextrin, Sugar, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Yeast Extract, Citric Acid, Soybean Oil, Vinegar, and Natural Flavor.
One could easily consider it odd that “Cracked Pepper” was not listed among the ingredients.
But we all know that the word “Spices” covereth a multitude of sins. (Not “original sin” of course… but at least the venial sins inherent in the manufacture of modern processed foods.)
But the message that I found intriguing was printed on the back, offering an explanation of sorts for the juxtaposition of the two simple but profound flavoring agents delineated in the Official Title of this food product: “Cracked Pepper & Sea Salt.”
“Complete opposites but working beautifully together.”
Sometimes, a perfect pairing happens, and all is good with the world.
Donny and Marie.
Burger and Fries.
Tarzan and Jane.
(I’m here referring, of course, to the perfect pairing of Johnny Weissmuller and Maureen O’Sullivan in 1932.)
“Complete opposites but working beautifully together.” That’s the idea behind Kettle Classics Cracked Pepper & Sea Salt. So zesty, so peppery, yet all natural. Coated with sea salt, black pepper, onion, garlic, and natural spices. Long live combos that are made for each other.
So, what’s the problem?
My father instructed me at a very young age, “Louis, don’t believe everything you read.” I found this advice somewhat baffling at first, since at the time, I still didn’t know how to read.
But later on, as I began to slowly wrap my mind around literary concepts like “See Dick,” and “See Dick run,” I could easily discern how a clever writer might mislead innocent young children into believing Puff was actually Jane’s baby, even though the illustration clearly showed an orange tabby cat in the baby stroller.
As I grew older, I learned that certain people make their living by misleading people through the clever use of words, and they actually have a special word for this process:
“Marketing.”
Now that I’m grown up and accustomed to reading labels, and magazine ads, and online news websites, I keep a mental eye peeled, so to speak, for language that seems to promise me the world but actually says nothing at all. And I’m pretty sure the Kettle Classics marketing blurb printed on the back of its Cracked Pepper & Sea Salt potato chips package falls into this category.
The phrase that most shamelessly betrays the dishonesty inherent in their marketing ploy, I would suggest, is:
“Complete opposites but working beautifully together.”
I have never claimed to be an stable genius — at least, not very often — but I think I understand what the term “complete opposites” actually means.
“Up” and “Down” are complete opposites, for example. Numerous other examples come quickly to mind.
“War” and “Peace.”
“Guilt” and “Innocence.”
“Democrats” and “Republicans.”
But Tarzan and Jane? Complete opposites? I don’t think so. It’s pretty obvious to me that Tarzan and Jane were almost the complete opposite of “complete opposites.” They both lived up in the trees; they both wore skimpy clothes made of animal skins; they both liked swimming in crocodile-infested jungle lakes. They both knew how to smile at the camera.
Granted, they did have different speech patterns. Like, for example, when Jane would say to Tarzan:
“Tarzan, I want to run a possible dinner idea by you, to get your opinion, if you have a minute… we’re having a troop of about 30 chimpanzees over tonight, and you know what picky eaters they can be… Lord knows how they can be so fussy, when most of them just sit around in the trees grooming each other day in and day out, but if that’s how they want to spend their time, who am I to judge…?
“They don’t seem the slightest bit interested in what’s going on in the jungle… like that ugly new subdivision going in, over by the river…
“But that’s neither here nor there, because what I wanted to ask your opinion about was… do you think I should make up a big pot of elephant stew, served over grilled cassava roots? You know, something simple, and not too spicy? Or I was thinking maybe some curried hippopotamus, with a melon seed dressing, and a millet salad on the side?
“Do you like either of those ideas? Are you listening? You know the chimps a lot more intimately than I do… I mean, you spend so much of your time hanging around in the trees, doing whatever you do… so I’d just like to hear your opinion. If you have a minute…”
And Tarzan would respond with a grunt (reminiscent of a wild boar grunt) by which he intended to convey the general message, “Either choice sounds absolutely perfect, dear; I’m sure the chimps will screech with delight.”
And then he’d go back to watching the game.
I don’t think that really qualifies as “complete opposites but working perfectly together.”
And can we really classify “Burger and Fries” as “complete opposites?” Surely the simple fact that they appear on opposite sides of the McDonald’s plastic serving tray shouldn’t determine their quintessential relationship. I would suggest that “Burger and Fries” are more like “culinary cousins.” Both can be prepared in less than five minutes, both can sit under a warming lamp for hours without a noticeable loss in flavor, and both are easy to eat while driving. Hardly opposites — and definitely not “complete opposites.”
Now Donald and Melania… that’s another story. Complete opposites. No question about it.
But what I really wanted to say is, (paraphrasing Gertrude Stein) “a potato chip is a potato chip is a potato chip.” You can sprinkle it with all the sea salt and cracked pepper you want — it’s still going to contain way too many calories for your diet.
Because, as we all know, the serving size for potato chips is not “One ounce.” The serving size is whatever is left in the bag.