Last time we went through an economic crisis — and yes, I’m thinking about the COVID crisis — we all suddenly decided that toilet paper was precious.
Obviously, we’re going to need to start hoarding again, with these new ‘reciprocal’ tariffs falling into place.
What needs to be hoarded?
No one ever made an official announcement during COVID, about a pending toilet paper shortage. Toilet paper wasn’t in the national news, initially. But somehow, the whole country — 330 million people — simultaneously understood that we needed to begin hoarding toilet paper.
And it wasn’t just in the U.S. that we started hoarding it. It happened all around the globe.
Why toilet paper? This seemingly made no sense at all.
So a group of scientists tasked themselves with better understanding it.
The National Institute of Health (NIH) published their research paper in January 2021, “A systematic review and realist synthesis on toilet paper hoarding: COVID or not COVID, that is the question.’
Here’s the flow chart illustrating their research method.
The study is 48 pages long, not including the supplemental files. For comparison purposes, almost exactly the same length as The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka.
The researchers looked at data from 1,337 previous scientific studies that referenced toilet paper hoarding. (Clearly, other scientists were interested in this same phenomenon.) I wouldn’t normally take the time to read 48 pages of scientific gibberish, and this study was no different; I merely skipped to the “Conclusions”. Because that’s the only really important part of a scientific study. The rest is just ‘padding’, in my opinion.
Apparently, the scientists determined that we can’t tell, definitively, why people hoarded toilet paper during COVID. They identified four theories worth exploring.
1. COVID caused people to visit the bathroom more often.
This is obviously a silly theory, because I started hoarding well before I came down with COVID. Everybody did. I was hoarding before I even heard of anyone getting COVID.
2. Social cognitive biases and social media were facilitators of toilet paper hoarding.
I like this theory the best. We started hoarding toilet paper because everyone around us was hoarding toilet paper. Humans have a ‘herd’ mentality. Even though we imagine we are intelligent, self-sufficient individuals, we’re actually compelled by our nature to do what everyone else is doing.
I just want to know, who started it? Somebody had to start it. (The research paper failed to identify that person.)
3. Stress worsens mental health, and encourages hoarding behavior.
Basically, the stress of a global pandemic made us all crazy. Well, we’re all Bozos on this bus anyway, so I don’t really see that as being a factor.
4. Different countries had slightly different hoarding patterns based on cultural values and habits.
Interesting idea, except that all countries that use toilet paper had the exact same reaction in March 2020. Except in India. But I don’t know much about India. Do they use toilet paper?
Conclusion:
The COVID-19 pandemic has been associated with a worldwide increase in hoarding behaviours, with toilet paper being one of the most desired objects. Social media and social cognitive biases seem to be major contributors to this hoarding behaviour and might explain some differences in toilet paper hoarding between countries.
So it seems the scientists came to the same conclusion as I did. We hoarded toilet paper because our friends on social media were hoarding, and we were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Anyway, it’s now 2025, with no sign of a global pandemic at the moment (if you don’t count measles, and obviously I’m not counting measles) and the main question is, what should we be hoarding, now that the global economic system is melting down?
Speaking as an amateur hoarder, I’m buying ChapStick.
That’s not meant as a recommendation. I could be totally off base.
But I’ve seen other people buying ChapStick.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all. You can read more stories on his Substack account.