America had another chance to rent the White House to a female Presidential candidate — just like back in 2016 — but again, we handed the keys to Donald Trump, instead of to the woman.
Apparently, Donald can win an election battle against a woman, but not against a man?
Looking back on my past humor columns, I’ve noticed that I often write about women, and not always in an entirely affectionate manner. This makes sense, in a way, because writers often pick subjects that they think their readers will find mysterious and intriguing.
And there’s nothing more mysterious and intriguing than a woman.
That is to say, mysterious and intriguing to a man like myself.
I suspect women are not at all mysterious to each other. They fully understand the reason for spending $100 to have color applied to their fingernails.
But to get back to Donald Trump — who has his own ideas about women and how to handle them — I see where he had his election campaign managed by a woman named Susan Wiles. Last week, he announced that Ms. Wiles would be serving as his Chief of Staff, the first woman ever to serve in that important position.
So, we didn’t get a woman president, but we got the next best thing.
Donald sometimes calls her “Susie”.
“Susie Wiles just helped me achieve one of the greatest political victories in American history, and was an integral part of both my 2016 and 2020 successful campaigns,” Trump said in the statement announcing his selection. “Susie is tough, smart, innovative, and is universally admired and respected. Susie will continue to work tirelessly to Make America Great Again.”
Susie was born Susan Summerall, as one of three children of Pat Summerall and his wife Kathy Summerall. Pat played football in the NFL as a placekicker, and later became a successful sportscaster, announcing a record 16 Super Bowls.
Susie seems to have avoided playing football like her father, but eventually got involved in a similar sport: politics.
In particular, she worked on Ron DeSantis’ winning campaign for Governor of Florida, which she later described as the “biggest mistake” of her entire career. But being mysterious and intriguing, she did not elaborate.
The President-elect doesn’t always call her “Susie”, however.
He also has a nickname for her. According to Fox News, Ms. Wiles joined the President-elect for his victory speech last week, in full view of God and everyone:
“Susie likes to stay sort of in the back, let me tell you. The ice baby. We call her the Ice Baby.
“Susie likes to stay in the background. She’s not in the background,” Trump added. “Thank you, Susie.”
But in the background, nevertheless, is Ms. Wiles’ somewhat mysterious position as co-chair of Mercury Public Affairs, a lobbying firm that reportedly holds contracts with a number of (junk?) food companies, including sugar-and-cereal company Kellogg’s, cheese-and-ketchup company Kraft-Heinz, and Nestlé SA, the Swiss company whose brands include KitKat, Hot Pockets, Häagen-Dazs and Nesquick.
Some of Mercury’s other clients, highlighted on its website, include Gilead Sciences, Pfizer, Tesla, and AT&T.
And the nation of Qatar?
One of the Trump campaign’s consistent messages to voters was that a Trump administration would “Make America Healthy Again,” with campaign figures like Robert F. Kennedy Jr. pledging to get ultra-processed foods removed from school lunches.
Presumably, this will not entail the removal of KitKat bars or chocolate milk. And as I recall, ketchup has been defined as a “vegetable” for meeting the nutritional requirements in school lunches.
With the Ice Baby calling the shots, we might have to choose between making America healthy, and making America great.