Does America like to hear a man swear? Hell, yes!
Do we want Presidential candidates who know how to swear? You better fucking well believe it.
But before we get into candidates who swear, I must apologize for the headline our editor chose for this column. It was intended to be a riff off the timeless childhood chant: “I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream!” The headline I had suggested was:
“I Swear, You Swear, We All Swear for Ice Wear!”
For some reason, my suggestion was ignored. Granted, there’s no such thing as “Ice Wear”… but I think the headline our editor picked makes even less sense. But he’s the editor. I just write the columns.
So back to the subject at hand. The immense benefits of using four-letter words.
Earlier this month, Presidential candidate Donald Trump — speaking at ‘The People’s Convention’ in Detroit, Michigan — was telling a great story. But it was not a great as it could have been, because part-way into the story, he intentionally left out a particular swear word.
This was not just any old swear word. It was in fact a “great” swear word.
He took a moment to explain that he was not using a “great word” in a story, after hearing from an evangelical preacher on the subject of cursing. He also explained to the Detroit audience that, “sometimes you need foul language.”
If there is an audience anywhere that truly appreciates four-letter words, it’s an audience in Detroit.
The hesitation and the avoidance of a “great word” was somewhat odd. The former President has used curse words in many of his recent speeches. In fact, earlier in the same speech at the Convention, he used a “great word” while discussing the awkwardness of building environmentally-friendly military vehicles.
They want to go in, in a clean, environmental way, as we bomb the shit out of a country, can you believe that?
Most Americans really like to hear that kind of talk. If we’re going to bomb a country, we had best bomb the shit out of it.
So it may have struck some of the audience as odd, when President Trump stopped himself in the middle of a story about political negotiations with a Mexican official, who seemed to be feeling uncomfortable in his suit.
“He couldn’t breathe. I said, are you okay in that… beautiful suit? He was getting… his suit was getting very damp. I said, are you okay? “
The former President had inserted a slight pause before the word “beautiful”. Or maybe, instead of the word “beautiful”.
… Oh, and by the way, I have to tell you, I had a great word that I was going to use, but it’s a curse word. And I was told by a great evangelical preacher just this week, “Sir, you tell the greatest stories, you, the greatest, everything. But, sir, please don’t use foul language.”
And I said, sometimes you need foul language to tell a great story. Because there’s no words like this. He said, “sir, you don’t–” So I was going to use a really terrible word, but it’s over in an instant. But the truth is, I think it does look worse. Look at all the media back there. I think it does look worse on television than it sounds in a room…
We can all imagine some of the great words that could have been used appropriately when negotiating with a Mexican official.
I’m actually a bit concerned about this turn of events. It’s perfectly true that you sometimes need foul language to tell a great story. (I’m in fact thinking about one such story at this very moment, which involves a blind proctologist. One of my father’s favorite stories.)
But is our former President getting cold feet?
He knows that we — the voters — love cursing. But… he’s apparently letting a preacher tell him to clean up his language.
What next? Is he going to let some preacher tell him to stop bombing the shit out of misbehaving countries? Or, God forbid, to stop building the wall at the southern border — which Mexico will be paying for? That might require some “great words”.
I hope someone will give President Trump some better advice. We need a leader who’s ready and willing to share foul language with foreign dignitaries, when appropriate.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.