I read in the local media that our county is currently involved in a divorce.
Our county government, I mean.
The rest of us are already divorced, or likely headed for a divorce.
But governments don’t often get divorced. Which is why I found this situation interesting.
The Archuleta County commissioners spent over a year threatening to leave their 70-year marriage with La Plata County. The marriage involved joint guardianship of a special district called San Juan Basin Public Health. Serious disagreements over SJBPH’s behavior had developed during the COVID mess, and a fair number of local taxpayers were urging the Archuleta commissioners to call the marriage off.
Not many marriages break up after 70 years. Normally, you’re both dead by then. But the Archuleta commissioners seemed serious about dissolving the civil union. When the commissioners actually looked at how much it would cost to get divorced, however, they shut up and stopped talking about the “D” word.
Divorce can be damned expensive. Especially if you get lawyers involved. Ask me how I know.
But the La Plata County commissioners — who don’t really care what things cost, so long as they appear politically correct — took the implied threat from the Archuleta commissioners to heart, and have now started the proceedings.
At this point, the rift has become embarrassingly public.
That’s the problem with mentioning the “D” word, when you’re in a marriage. So long as no one is mentioning the “D” word, you can pretend that you’re actually committed to one another… even if one or both of you are fooling around on the side.
Not that either board of county commissioners were ‘fooling around’, exactly. But they discovered that they didn’t agree on a number of seemingly important things related to public health. Mask wearing, for one. Mandated business closures, for another. The cost of septic permits.
I suspect they also don’t agree on certain gender issues… but does anyone know what the word ‘gender’ even means, nowadays?
So I feel compelled to offer some friendly advice to the Archuleta commissioners. Might be too late, but we all have to try.
Obviously, I don’t know much about how to prevent a divorce (considering that I am, myself, divorced) so I didn’t have any good advice on the tip of my tongue… or rather, on the tips of my typing fingers. But whenever I want to know how to do something, (like, say, how to make banana bread), I open my search engine and ask it a question.
Some people ask Siri or Alexa, but I distrust devices that have actual voices. In my opinion, devices should be seen and not heard.
The first search I did was, “How to keep a marriage alive”. But the results were less than satisfactory. Most of the advice dealt with going on dates, and certain bedroom activities. Some of the suggested activities could have saved my marriage to Darlene, I bet. But they didn’t seem applicable to our current county commissioners.
So I tried, “How to avoid a pending divorce.” This advice seemed a bit more useful, in terms of two governments that can’t seem to get along. I skipped the articles that talked about alimony and “when she falls out of love”, and focused on one a particular article entitled, “Three Reasons to Delay a Divorce.”
Some practical advice, in other words.
Reason Number One: Wait until the kids are out of the house. You want your kids to believe that two intelligent adults can stay together, even though, in fact, they already know very well that you aren’t getting along.
In fact, they were probably telling you to get divorced. But did they offer to pay for the lawyers? No.
In the case of the two county governments, I’m not sure who “the kids” refers to. Most of my neighbors are older than the county commissioners. So let’s move on to Reason Number Two.
Reason Number Two: Wait until you have the financial means. This one definitely applies to our current situation. The Archuleta commissioners are already in hock up to their eyeballs, and no way can they afford to build a public health agency from scratch.
Unfortunately, the La Plata county commissioners don’t really care what things cost. (I think I already mentioned that.)
This could have been a valuable piece of advice — “wait until you have the financial means” — if these two county governments were financially dependent on each other. But the Archuleta county commissioners have a $48 million annual budget that’s totally independent of the La Plata county commissioners $119 million budget.
Separate bank accounts make a divorce more likely, in my humble opinion.
Reason Number Three: You need the insurance coverage. I would estimate that 90% of American marriages that stay together, stay together just for the insurance coverage.
Too bad we don’t have “good government” insurance. Someone ought to invent that.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.