There’s an awful lot going on in December, typically. Even during a global pandemic, people seem to be rushing around, mailing packages, buying gifts, attending Christmas concerts, making cookies, frantically scraping their windshields.
For some odd reason, the Colorado Department of Transportation wants to pile yet another special event onto our busy schedules.
National Impaired Driving Month.
We Americans love to assign special meaning to days… and weeks… and months… depending on our inclinations. For example, today is National Maple Syrup Day. Tomorrow, Saturday, is National Answer the Phone Like Buddy the Elf Day. And Sunday is National Oatmeal Muffin Day.
Personally, I would never try to answer the phone like Buddy the Elf, especially on a Saturday. (Luckily, I hardly get any calls during the weekend.)
Sometimes a single day-long celebration is not enough, and we need to whoop it up for an entire month.
December is not only National Impaired Driving Month; it’s also National Eggnog Month. Different whoops for different whoopers, as they say.
I have no plans to drink Eggnog all month long just because some federal bureaucrat thinks I would enjoy it. It’s very unlikely, in fact, that I will drink even a single glass of Eggnog this month, considering my general loathing for raw eggs mixed with milk.
That said, I have no objection if other people want to drink Eggnog for 31 days. It’s a free country.
I will be more than happy, meanwhile, to celebrate by pouring some Maple Syrup on my pancakes this morning. And on my scrambled eggs, for that matter. (It’s a free country.)
But I am definitely not willing drive my vehicle while impaired… even if the Colorado Department of Transportation announces that this is National Impaired Driving Month.
In fact, I am shocked that CDOT would celebrate this idea.
Sure, it’s pleasant enough to be impaired… most of the time. You hardly notice that you’re making a fool of yourself. You are always slightly embarrassed, the following day, when you find out what you did… but you’re also provided with a perfect excuse.
“Yeah, I guess I did look pretty stupid, falling asleep on the hood of that police car; but, hey, I was impaired!” What did people expect?
But falling asleep in strange places is one thing. Driving while impaired is actually dangerous. (Ask me how I know.)
I can only conclude that a couple of guys at CDOT got trashed one night, and thought it would be really funny to announce National Impaired Driving Month all over the internet.
Not funny, guys. People could get hurt.