The last year has been challenging for social butterflies, as the COVID-19 pandemic has limited opportunities to socialize in person with close friends and family members… These are just some of the ways Valentine’s Day can be enjoyed safely while adhering to pandemic-related safety guidelines…
Thus begins a heart-warming advice column shared all around the internet — and also here, in Pagosa Springs, in our local newspaper last week. We’ve been affected by social distancing guidelines since last March, and some young lovers may be wondering if they will ever celebrate Valentine’s Day again, the way they celebrated in February 2020.
Assuming you didn’t get in a big fight that day.
My ex-wife Darlene and I used to get in horrendous arguments whenever any kind of holiday reared its ugly head. But I’m sure most of our Daily Post readers have relationships that are consistently loving and supportive. (Recognizing that this is supposed to be a humor article.)
Be that as it may, the following guidelines were published nationally, to help everyone celebrate Valentine’s Day while still adhering to social distancing restrictions. I have taken the liberty of annotating the suggestions, in the interests of relating the guidelines to recent developments in modern neuroscience.
Right off the bat, these guidelines assume that there are, in fact, “two” of you… but those of us who are chronically single might, with a bit of creative energy, be able to adapt the guidelines to a cozy evening with the dog.
1. Order a take-out dinner for two from a favorite local restaurant. It gives you the night off from cooking and helps support a small business.
Most of us have been ordering take-out for the past 11 months, and truth be told, we’re pretty sick of it. Maybe a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace? Except that would require a trip to the grocery store, and they make you wear a mask… Luckily, I think I still have an unopened box of Cheerios stashed somewhere. Presumably you have connected with a partner who also enjoys cold cereal.
2. Watch a romantic movie on your preferred streaming service.
This guideline suggests that we haven’t already watched every romantic movie available on our favorite streaming service (and every kids cartoon as well, for that matter.) If that’s the case, a fun Valentine’s Day activity is to watch one of your favorite romantic movies with the sound turned off, and try to lip-sync the dialog. For even more fun, make up totally different dialog, as if the lovers were dealing with a COVID pandemic and were feeling guilty about begin so close together.
3. Treat each other to a pair of cozy pajamas and spend the day under the covers catching up on cuddles and rest.
This would work, if you keep a couple of cereal bowls near the bed, along with some milk and Cheerios. I find that most of us work up a hefty appetite if we engage in cuddling for more than about five minutes.
I wish, however, the author had defined “cozy pajamas” for us.
An alternate activity — if you don’t have cozy pajamas — is to sit at opposite ends of the couch and send text message back and forth.
4. Bundle up and, if weather allows, take a hand-in-hand stroll through a park or favorite sightseeing spot. Just follow any protocols for remaining safe, such as wearing masks.
Please note. “If weather allows”. Do not hold his or her hand unless weather allows. Your hands could become frozen together and require surgical intervention.
American author Mark Twain once described the game of golf as “a pleasant walk in the woods, spoiled.” It seems to me that “following protocols for remaining safe, such as wearing masks” during a hand-in-hand stroll through a park, presents roughly the same problem. Maybe a “hand-in-hand game of golf” would offer a fulfilling sense of utter disappointment, if that’s your idea of Valentine’s Day.
5. Those who reside in climates that are mild in February can rent a small boat and enjoy a few hours on the open water far away from others.
Or how about you just drag the boat out onto the frozen lake and sit there in the sub-zero temperature, laughing at how stupid you look. That’ll be fun.
Or ice fishing. Ice fishing can be loads of fun, but you will have to drill two holes in the ice, six feet apart, or else you risk a ticket from the game warden. You can get just as chilled while ice fishing as you can sitting in a stupid boat on a frozen lake, but with any luck, you will have something to cook for your romantic dinner. (Remember, it’s a thoughtfully loving measure to clean her fish for her.)
6. Purchase the ingredients to a recipe you both enjoy and prepare the meal together. Don’t forget to leave room for dessert.
See my suggestions, above, for Guideline Number One. Except I didn’t address the idea of “dessert”. That poses a bit of a problem. Maybe sprinkle some sugar on the Cheerios and call it good?
7. Take turns giving one another back massages at home.
Note that you can also do this activity with your dog, except that only the dog should get the back massage. You do not want your dog to give you a back massage. I’ve tried it and I do not recommend it.