The Washington Post, last week, published their annual “Post 2020 Holiday Gift Guide” to help you find something for everyone on your gift list without breaking a sweat.
The appellation, “Post 2020 Holiday Gift Guide”, caused me to prick up my ears (not literally) and ponder the idea of a “Daily Post 2020 Holiday Gift Guide” aimed especially at those of us stranded here in The-Middle-of-Nowhere, Colorado. I ran the idea past Daily Post editor Bill Hudson, and he responded, “Sure. Knock yourself out.” (He didn’t mean that literally.)
Disclaimer: I know almost nothing about shopping for gifts. When I was married, Darlene took full responsibility for gift purchasing, for any and all occasions. It was a trade-off. She bought the gifts, and I picked the TV shows. If the world were fair, I would be writing the “Daily Post 2020 Holiday TV Show Guide”. But the world isn’t fair. Darlene, however, left me with a great excuse for refusing to buy gifts, for any and all occasions… I never learned how!
Luckily, writing a “Holiday Gift Guide” is nothing like actually shopping for gifts, because you don’t have to spend any money. You also don’t have to worry that someone will unwrap your gift, pull out the rather expensive item, and laugh mockingly, “You honestly thought I wanted one of these?”
Since I was drawing my inspiration from the Washington Post, I thought it only fair to spend some time reviewing their guide, and stealing ideas. I understood that many of the gift suggestions offered by Washington Post writers and photographers would be totally inappropriate for us country bumpkins — Washington being, after all, the 20th largest city in the US with 706,000 residents, just edging out 21st-place Boston.
But totally inappropriate or not, their general ‘categories of gifts’ will be a useful guide for my completely original Daily Post guide. Here are their categories:
Books, Food, Home, Self-Care, Tech, Toys, Travel, Video Games.
Some of these categories might be appropriate for our Daily Post readers, but a couple of them are beyond my level of expertise (namely, Self-Care and Travel) so I will stick to the categories with which I have at least the slight familiarity.
BOOKS
Okay, I don’t know much about books, except that most people who buy books put them on a bookshelf and then never read them. They just gather dust. And they’re expensive.
But I found this great book idea on Amazon. It’s a pair of ceramic bookends that would look quite handsome on anyone’s bookshelf.
As you can see, it appears to be a collection of seven classic books — Moby Dick, Jane Eyre, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Little Women, Frankenstein, A Tale of Two Cities, and Pride and Prejudice — all of which were extremely popular when they first came out, but have unfortunately become pretty much unreadable, thanks to the drastic decline in the average American’s vocabulary.
But place this gift on a bookshelf, and you will instantly appear to be unusually intelligent and interesting. (Or, at least, intelligent.)
FOOD
While a waffle maker is not technically a ‘food’, as such, it is capable of producing something closely resembling ‘food’. And this unusual “Dash Mini Waffle Maker” is not only pink, but also undersized.
According to the Dash website, this waffle maker will produce ‘perfect 4 inch waffles’. In other words, the same size waffles that you can purchase in the frozen food section of your local grocery store… the kind of waffles that tease you into thinking that you are eating a real waffle, but utterly fail to satisfy your appetite, and force you to frantically pop a second frozen disc into the toaster. For under $12, you can produce the same type of less-than-satisfying waffles in the comfort of your own kitchen. (Note: you will have to buy five of these waffle makers to qualify for free shipping. Hopefully, you still have five friends.)
HOME
One of Darlene’s favorite t-shirts sported the message, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Perhaps this little gift from ContainerStore.com was inspired by the same general sentiment?
From the product description:
Mama knows best. This one uses steam to effectively clean microwave ovens without fuss. Simply remove the head, add vinegar and water, then heat for seven minutes. As steam comes out of mama’s head, dirt and stains are loosened for easier cleaning. When time’s up and Mama’s been allowed to cool, remove and use the remaining liquid to wipe down the microwave interior.
The operative phrase here is “Mama’s been allowed to cool.” Nothing productive will be accomplished until Mama has been allowed to cool. Let us remember that.
TECH
This clever little box — looking ever so slightly like a tiny silk-lined coffin — will disinfect your smart phone with soothing and harmless UV rays… harmless to your phone, that is… but deadly to bacteria and viruses. (Note: has not yet been tested on the SARS-CoV-2 virus.)
If you’ve been soaking your phone in Lysol each evening, and have noticed that some of your apps are no longer working, PhoneSoap 3 might be just the ticket.
TOYS
Is your child ready for some company while she does her yoga exercises? The newest Barbie doll from Mattel can sit for hours (literally) in the Lotus posture.
From the product description:
Kids can help Breathe with Me Barbie doll with her meditation practice. Barbie has lights and sounds designed to inspire mindfulness. Press the button in her necklace to start one of five guided meditation exercises that kids can follow among with. The puppy helps Barbie focus with visualization: place one of the four cloud emojis — Love Rainbow, Sad Rain, Happy Sunshine or Grumpy Red — into puppy’s head to express an emotion; switch them up to express a new feeling…
If $34.92 is beyond your means, Target.com has a blonde version for $19.99. Why the blonde Barbie would cost less than the brunette Barbie, we leave to your own imagination.
VIDEO GAMES
Not many people are flying during the 2020 coronavirus pandemic, unless they are the mayor of Denver. But you can still get a virtual thrill flying your own simulated plane, with this nifty flight simulator software from XBox Game Studios.
The world will indeed be at your fingertips; hand sanitizer not required.
“The earth is vibrant and ever-changing and so is the world of Microsoft Flight Simulator which includes live traffic, real-time weather, and animals.”
Yes, even though this is only a simulator, you can still get a bird stuck in your engine, and then frantically try and figure out what to do next. (Parachute available as a software add-on.)
Or try landing on a postage-stamp-sized runway that some crazy engineer designed on a too-narrow island. Try again. And again. You don’t actually die.
As I finished this “2020 Holiday Gift Guide” (and it is indeed finished) I realized with some dismay that none of these gifts are available in Pagosa Springs.
But… isn’t that what we love about Pagosa? That there’s nothing here?