READY, FIRE, AIM: The Cure

The tiny briefing room at the White House was sweltering from the 100-plus degree heat wave that had been torturing Washington DC since the end of June, and my oxygen-enhanced face mask was already dripping with sweat by the time the President walked in, accompanied by his official task force members.

The hot video lights didn’t make the situation any more pleasant.

Those of us in the White House press corps were packed in like sardines, but we were used to sitting uncomfortably close together. The mandatory “12-foot social distancing” laws didn’t apply to the President’s briefing room; we weren’t even required to wear face masks, but those struggling with the virus needed the extra oxygen.

The President stepped up to grasp the sides of the podium, looking wonderfully healthy, and strong as a bull.

“I have some excellent news,” the President said with his usual confident smile. “Actually, two pieces of excellent news, and I hope at least a couple of you in this room can manage to report it correctly.

“First of all, I shot a 72 this morning at our beautiful East Potomac golf course, which is a pretty good score for an old man like me. Three birdies, including one on the eighteenth. I don’t imagine any of you have shot a birdie on the eighteenth, at East Potomac? I don’t see any hands…”

Actually, I birdied eighteen at East Potomac a couple of times when I was younger, but I’ve learned not to show up the President. Ever. Very bad for your career as a White House reporter.

“So that’s some good news. But the other thing I want to report is very good news. Wonderful news. The American people have never heard such good news as I am going to share today.

“My team, who you see assembled here, has found a cure for the virus. Actually, it was me that found the cure, and my team merely verified it, but they verified more thoroughly — and more quickly — than any cure has ever been verified before.

“This is going to be a great thing of our country. We have a truly great country, and this is going to be one more great American victory that’s going to go down in history, with all the other great American victories. So I’d like to invite our Task Force Coordinator to discuss how it was verified.”

At this point the Task Force Coordinator, wearing her customary red-white-and-blue scarf, joined the President at the podium and waited, smiling, until the excited whispering in the room tapered off.

“As your President has told you, this is a great day for the American people. For the entire world, for that matter.

“The cure for the virus was discovered by this man, standing next to me — your President — during a brilliant insight. The President was relaxing with his wife on Sunday evening, watching that wonderful American masterpiece by Walt Disney, ‘Snow White.’ Many of you in the press corp may have seen the film. There’s a scene, at the climax of the movie, where the wicked queen gives Snow White an apple to eat.

“Snow White’s innocent decision — to bite into that apple — has an unfortunate outcome in the Disney version. But luckily for America, we’re not living in the Disney version.”

The President took a step forward, excitedly interrupting the Task Force Coordinator.

“I’ve watched this movie, ‘Snow White’, many times. Many, many times. More times than you can count. So I knew what was about to happen. But just as she was about the bite the apple, I suddenly remembered something my mother used to say to me, on many, many occasions.

“‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ That’s what she used to say.

“My mother was a wise woman. A very wise woman.

“And this is exactly what America has been looking for, all these long months. A way to keep the doctor away.”

The Task Force Coordinator smiled at the President and continued.

“So, on the President’s advice, we’ve been testing this cure since Monday morning — the entire task force has made ourselves into guinea pigs, you might say, eating an apple a day ever since Monday.

“And I’m pleased to report that every single task force member has tested ‘virus-free’ since Monday.”

All of the task force members were now nodding their heads vigorously in agreement.

The Task Force Coordinator touched the President on his arm. “The President and the First Lady have also been using the cure, and they have also tested ‘virus-free.’

“Therefore, your President will be signing an Executive Order this afternoon, ordering all Americans to eat an apple a day.”

The room immediately erupted in excitement. Half the reporters were on their cell phones, calling their editors with the details of the story; the other half were waving their hands in the air, trying to get the President’s attention to get further clarification.

But I was thinking about the apple my wife had packed in my lunch, tucked inside my briefcase.

I quickly flipped the briefcase open and dug the apple out of the paper bag. Flipping off my oxygen mask, I bit eagerly into the round, red fruit, and the juice dribbled down my chin.

An apple had never tasted so good.

Louis Cannon

Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.