WARNING: This column includes an embedded video that discusses death and dismemberment, and may not be suitable for all audiences.
Normally, I try to write a Daily Post humor column a few times a week. Mostly for practice. It’s like playing the violin. You have to practice diligently, or else the people around you find themselves in anguish.
But every now and then, I come across an important question, worthy of consideration, that’s not necessarily funny.
Like, for example, the choice between jumping into the water, right next to a shark, or staying on the boat and getting electrocuted.
The shark is about 10 yards away, over there. But unfortunately, your boat is sinking under its own weight.
Why is your boat sinking? Because it’s an electric boat, with a huge battery. A very dangerous, tremendously powerful battery.
Electric boats ought to be illegal, because of this problem. When they start to sink, the water covers the battery — which, as mentioned, is huge — and that fills the boat with electrically-charged water. So any intelligent person would want to jump off the boat, right? To avoid electrocution.
But the problem is, there’s a shark waiting, over there, about 10 yards away.
Like I said, this is not a humorous situation.
Stay on the boat and you might die.
Jump in the water and you might die.
Some people (like me, for example) would choose the shark, because maybe he’s just finished eating someone else, and he’s not hungry? That’s certainly a possibility.
Or maybe he will just bite off your leg, and that will satisfy him. You can always get a prosthetic leg.
But other people would stay on the boat.
Presidential candidate Donald Trump, for example, revealed at a campaign rally last Sunday, that he would risk electrocution. Here’s a transcript of his comments. Apparently, he’d had a conversation with a knowledgeable person about this hypothetical situation, and he then shared his opinion with his supporters at the rally.
“I say, ‘What would happen if the boat sank from its weight, and you’re in the boat, and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery’s now underwater, and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards, over there?’
“By the way, a lot of shark attacks lately, do you notice that? Lot of sharks. I watched some guys justifying it today: ‘Well they weren’t really that angry, they bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were not hungry but they misunderstood who she was.’ These people are crazy. He said, ‘There’s no problem with sharks, they just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming.’ No, really got decimated, and other people, too, a lot of shark attacks.
“So I said, ‘There’s a shark 10 yards away from the boat, 10 yards, or here. Do I get electrocuted if the boat is sinking, water goes over the battery, the boat is sinking? Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted, or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted?’
“Because I will tell you, he didn’t know the answer.
“He said, ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’ I said, ‘I think it’s a good question. I think there’s a lot of electric current coming through that water.’
“But you know what I’d do if there was a shark or you get electrocuted? I’ll take electrocution every single time. I’m not getting near the shark.
“So we’re going to end that. We’re going to end it for boats… we’re going to end it for trucks…”
As we note in this speech, the woman swimmer in the story only lost a leg, which is exactly what I thought might happen.
But we also want to be clear, that candidate Trump — if he is elected — will put an end to electric boats. And electric trucks, as well.
So, with any luck, no one will ever have to make this choice, between a shark and electrocution on a sinking boat.
If you are wondering how the electric truck got into the story, your guess is as good as mine.
Underrated writer Louis Cannon grew up in the vast American West, although his ex-wife, given the slightest opportunity, will deny that he ever grew up at all.