EDITOR’S NOTE: This letter discusses a decision to commit suicide.
Introduction by DC Duncan
After careful consideration, Bill Hudson and I have decided to publish this heartrending letter. It is somewhat hard to take in, but, nonetheless, it is an important read.
Bonnie Runyan was a free spirit and an independent woman her entire life. She was a close friend of mine, therefore this letter goes to my very core. I met Bonnie while playing with ‘John Graves and Friends’ at Nello’s. She was one of the “friends” who graced our fans with her superb voice and soft spoken demeanor. During this time, Bonnie and Ann Graves became acquainted and later would call themselves best friends. Unfortunately, Ann died not long ago and Bonnie had lost her soul sister.
We were members of the Pagosa Universal Unitarian Fellowship where John Graves played piano on Sunday mornings. Bonnie considered PUUF her family. The Fellowship meant everything to her. And now they have lost a favorite daughter.
Please read this poignant letter and try not to judge, for this is a realm that few of us will enter.
Dear Editor,
I hear a lot of people on my age group (80 plus) sharing their concerns about end-of-life issues, especially the fact that, despite Colorado voting in favor of doctor-assisted suicide, our hospital has opted not to provide that service.
I’m not writing to contest or even discuss the hospital’s decision. I am writing to strongly suggest we all realize we don’t need to ask for help from others when we decide we’ve lived long enough.
I have four chronic pain disorders. Old age, ME/CFS, spinal stenosis and a very unfortunate hip replacement. All four are progressive and disabling. None are terminal (except old age) so medical aid in dying would not apply to me anyway.
I have lived in pain for twenty-five years now. Every day is an endurance run. I want to leave soon, and I realize and accept that I must find my way out, alone. Having always lived independently, I prefer to die independently.
In the 1800s a man named Alphonse Daudet wrote about living in pain in a book titled The Land of Pain. He wrote:
The anticipation of indignities yet to come makes suicide not just tempting but logical.
That is how I feel. I ask myself, “How much better do you think you are going to get? And how much worse?” These questions answer themselves.
Not being hindered by any religious beliefs, I am of the mind that this is my body, and my choice. I refuse to allow illness to progress to the point where I am a burden on others and a stranger to myself. Therefore, I am clearly stating that despite all man-made laws and taboos against suicide, we have a basic human right to release ourselves from our suffering, and no one has a right to interfere in that.
I am mainly talking about us old people who have lived our lives and are now becoming more disabled day by day. Not everyone has a caring family or money to buy help. We have the right to say when we have had enough, and we have a right to leave. It is a matter of leaving cultural conditioning behind, and thinking and acting on one’s own behalf. We have a choice, if we want to take it. Am I scared? Of course I am. The unknown is scary, but I am more afraid of what will happen if I try to hang on past my ‘expiration date’.
My wish would be that the people I care about, and those who care about me, will be happy for me for having the courage to release myself from pain and struggle. I would also hope that my example will demonstrate that a person can keep their power over their own life and death if they so desire. We don’t have to ask help or permission of anyone.
I am not unaware of the difficulties suicide can cause for other people, thus this letter. I am grateful to the police, EMTs and other professionals who must deal with my leftovers. And please, my dear friends, know that I am at peace now, and smile for me. I have loved you each uniquely and with all my heart.
Live well.
Bonnie Runyan
Pagosa Springs