Local developer Hank Surley addressed the Stinkwater Tourist Trappers last week, attempting to explain the advantages of declaring downtown Stinkwater an “urban blight”. In a barky baritone, the wily and wiry builder explained that an “urban blight” declaration wouldn’t just put $80 million taxpayer dollars in his Wranglers but would jumpstart downtown tourism as well.
“What’s the fastest growing high wage job in the construction industry today? Well, it’s planning and building department employees. Heck, there are over 1 million planners and assistant planners and code officials and administrators in the US today. These government officials earn much more than your run of the mill roofer, and they get paid whether projects are built or not.
“They all get at least a month of paid vacation. Best of all, they attend conferences. Lots of conferences. Tax deductible conferences!
“Now, following the recent riots and arson in our inner cities, there’s going to be a lot of targeted effort to address the concerns of those living in blighted urban areas. That means more conferences!
“Sadly, most blight is rather depressing. There’s the poverty, the racial strife and the street crime. Who wants to conference near all of that?
“Right here in Stinkwater we have the most beautiful unspoiled urban blight in our entire country. Shelve the broad ‘Authentically Authentic’ marketing campaign and target these one million conference goers by reworking your old slogan — ‘What’s Your Rush?’ — to send an even more effective marketing message: ‘What’s Your Blight!’
“What planner wouldn’t want to escape the grimy, violent urban combat zone for our bucolic blight with fresh air, natural hot tubs, pedestrian bridges, and riverside lattes?
“Stinkwater is also just about the friendliest blight in the country. So many blighted places are full of grim, angry and violent people. We could market Stinkwater as ‘Blight with a Smile’. And with hot springs, geothermal greenhouses and a Natural Grocers!
“Let’s face it, our river only drops two feet per mile through Town and Reservoir Hill isn’t the Eiger. Not a very exhilarating adventure to brag about back at the office. But what if you Raft The Blight? Hike The Blight? Bike The Blight? The tee shirts will go viral.
“Maybe we could host a third summer music festival: ‘Blight and Blues’.
“You see the windfall, don’t ya’? The money in the blight business is beyond our wildest dreams.”
Golf claps of applause followed. One Tourist Trapper, Louis Cannon, wasn’t won over.
“As I see it, there’s a potential downside. At least some planners will come to Stinkwater hoping to learn how to invest local taxes to attract high wage jobs, build affordable housing and repair environmental damage… What will they think when they discover our urban renewal project is the luxury resort they are conferencing at?”