FICTION: The Flatlanders in Pagosa

Mr. and Mrs. Flatlander recently moved to Pagosa Springs. Earnest and his wife Faith moved up from the Lone Star State with stars in their eyes. Mr. Flatlander believes that as long as he is Earnest and had his Faith he could make it anywhere. They have two college-aged daughters, but unfortunately they had left Prudence and Patience in Texas.

The Flatlanders had been coming to Pagosa Country for years. They visited our mountain paradise in every season. In the summer they came to escape the miserable heat of the lowlands, breathe the fresh air and take in the pristine scenery. They enjoyed our magnificent mountains that afforded them camping, hiking and some of the most spectacular views on the planet. Earnest had told ghost stories while the girls roasted marshmallows over an open fire. They all remember that magnificent Pagosa moon rising over Square Top; that big yellow ball had burst over the peaks and lit up the sleepy valley with iridescent moonbeams. The sight had been almost ethereal. Earnest clung to his Faith and proclaimed it “God’s Country.”

In the fall Earnest and his buddies Rowdy and Burly would come to hunt the magnificent elk and the nimble mule deer. They would hook up with one of our great outfitters and away they would go, up in the San Juans to a camp in the clouds. Everywhere they looked they saw a sunburst of orange, yellow and gold as the aspens put on a pyrotechnic show. For an instant they imagined being mountain men in the Old West. They ate at the chuck-wagon and drank at the Bear Creek Saloon. Of course, there was that one incident when Rowdy shot old man Wise’s mule and proudly tied it to the front of the truck. “What? That ain’t a mule deer?” Our friendly rangers really got a kick out of that! The burly hunter had mistakenly shot a Wise mule and the ranger got Rowdy and fined him.

The most memorable Christmas the Flatlanders ever had was right here in little Pagosa Springs. That year was considered a very “light” winter, so they were able to drive without difficulty: no four-wheel-drive, no chains or snow tires. No sir! They rented a cute little cabin with a river rock fireplace. It did get pretty cold at night, so the happy family snuggled around the crackling fire. They skied the slopes at Wolf Creek and ice-skated at the River Park under clear skies. Shopping in Pagosa was like wandering around Santa’s village at the North Pole in the Spring. Everything they needed was within fifteen minutes of their rented cabin.

Having dinner at a nice restaurant on the river one evening they enjoyed elk steaks by an open fire and watched a buck come right up to the window. The girls were just little kids then and they thought they’d seen one of Santa’s reindeer. Later they swore that they had seen an elf! But it was only Mayor Volger.

Finally Christmas Eve came. After attending a candle-lit church service they enjoyed hot chocolate back at the cabin and sang carols around old tannenbaum. Later that night Faith heard sleigh bells and a “Ho,ho,ho. Good night and to all a Merry Christmas!” Mr. Flatlander didn’t hear it. (Maybe Faith wasn’t being quite earnest.)

In the springtime the Flatlanders often came up to fish. Earnest and Faith both loved fishing the San Juan and Piedra Rivers. They grilled salmon and trout over campfires while listening to lonesome coyotes serenade them under the Milky Way. (They had rekindled their marriage in Pagosa Country many times under these stars.) A few times Earnest brought up his boat and fished Echo Lake for bass and Williams Creek Reservoir for rainbow trout. Once, while house-boating on Navajo Lake, Faith brought up the subject of retiring here. Earnest simply nodded and figured that it was understood all along.

They always asked their friends: “When was the last time you saw a bald eagle soaring over Big D? Have you ever seen a beaver or a speckled trout in the Trinity River? When was the last time a bull elk ran out in front of you on LBJ Freeway? Did you ever snow-ski down Flagpole Hill? How many red lights are in the Metroplex? There are only six in Pagosa Springs! Hallelujah!” Their friends were fascinated with the Flatlander’s stories and eventually they all made there own sojourns to the mountains of Southwestern Colorado. Before visiting God’s Country most of these folks thought wild turkey only came in bottles!

Earnest and Faith had visited Pagosa many times over the years but now they were settling here. The fantasy of life in paradise was slowly turning into reality for them. No matter how many times they had visited and thought they knew Pagosa they were just tourists. If you hadn’t spent two or three rough winters in Pagosa Country then you haven’t lived here at all. Up in the mountains one isn’t initiated by fire, but by snow and ice!

Now they were newcomers who had to learn the ropes just like the rest of us “transplants” had. They struggled with “Pagosa time” and had to learn the language of the mountain people. They had to learn how to drive on black ice and avoid herds of elk. They had to become “accepted” by the locals. Even though Pagosans are some of the friendliest people on Earth, every newcomer must learn the hard way ‒ it is the way of the mountains.

They had to figure out what words such as “hydrology” and “winterize” meant. And what the hell was this PLPOA thing that everyone complained about? What was “bear awareness” and what do you mean that you were on “full evacuation alert” last year? You mean that our planned dream home could go up in smoke? Yes, sir. Drought? Water rationing? Oh my!

They went ahead and bought an acre of land out in Aspen Springs. Little did they know that the locals call this area “Outlaw Land.” They had questions: No utilities? What is this crazy thing called a “perc” test? What do you mean I can’t drill a well here ‘cause the water smells like rotten eggs? Are you telling us that we have to haul water from a pump station? Where is Vista? Why does my crazy neighbor keep moving junk cars onto his property and who do I call about that gargoyle he calls a dog? Was that a gunshot? Do you mean to tell us that the County Commissioners are mere mortals and not wild beasts? Who’d a thunk?

Well, friends, the Flatlanders built their dream home and are adjusting well. But hey, we’ll see how they do when Mother Nature gets into one of her nasty moods and sends the temperature down to 25 below and drops five feet of snow on the roof.

For now, they are waving back at me when we pass each other on the mag chloride coated road (I should probably tell Earnest that that stuff will wreak havoc on his undercoat, but he’s got to learn these things on his own ‒ we all did.) Now if I could just get them to slow down a little and relax; there’s no need to honk immediately after the light turns green. Hell, we only have six of them for Pete’s sake.

I’m glad that the Flatlanders moved up here and I really like them. I’ll say a little prayer tonight and hope that their pipes don’t explode during the first cold snap.

I’ll tell you one thing: I think they’re going to need Prudence and Patience up here!