I lost my phone the other day. Again. This is just one more reason to hate technology. In the past, no one lost a phone. They couldn’t. The damn thing was bolted to the wall.
Anyway, I lost my phone and wandered around, lost. The problem with losing anything is, it could be anywhere. That’s the definition. “Why don’t I try calling your number?” my wife said. She picked up her own cell phone.
I looked at her like anyone who missed the obvious. “Honey, didn’t you listen? I don’t have my phone. I can’t answer.”
“But you hear the ring. It’s got to be close, under a sofa cushion, or next to the bed.”
“I already checked.”
“Well then, somewhere. You hear the ring and find it.”
I was thunderstruck at the simplicity, the intelligence of this work-around. It was like good writing. Now, I may not be very good at some aspects of technology. Like cookies. Whatever these are, I just hate the name. But since writers are stuck with cell phones, and computers, maybe I can be of assistance.
From the mouths of babes, and all that.
Help Bots. Don’t use them. They can never help with anything, all while being infinitely pleasant. I’ve got friends like that. You’re better off just googling, or contacting the Help Desk. Which has been supplanted by the Help Bot. So it’s back to square one.
Data Backup. Not sure what this means. Like everyone, I live in terror of “losing everything”, and have endless CDs (yes I still use those) and flash drives. But we’re back to misplacing things, and in case of fire, it’s gone. So I email completed manuscripts to friends. You don’t have to read them, I say. Or tell me what you think. Of course, no one’s stopping you…
Cleaning Caches. Again, not a hundred percent sure on this. You want to use some free program, like CCleaner. You can also delve into the guts of your computer, but if you’re like me, that’s asking for trouble. One way or another you have to do something, because writers are always accessing information that appears to any outsider like we’re planning an ax murder. Literally. I got friends who write murder-mysteries, and are constantly checking details.
I check details too, and recently accessed data on dating apps and divorce, all for the sake of a story. Someone told me you can’t entirely erase anything, and upon death your whole life is laid bare. In that case, bury me with my laptop.
Documents. Word docx, and that’s it. I’m always amazed at writers who use other programs. And yet my own writing group uses a jumble of conflicting platforms, no one can access anything, and finally we just distribute a printout. As for submissions, I’ve never seen an editor who didn’t take docx. Nuff said.
Email. I don’t know what it is about email, but you can’t hide anything. And the more you try, the more you reveal. This is an emotional thing. A lie is delivered with a certain emotional timbre, which email exposes. For instance, an editor wrote back about my inquiry regarding a submission. He said he was still interested, but needed time. All this with many thank yous and pleases and wonderfuls. He’s never going to run it. The truth was all there, between the lines.
Writers could learn a lot from this. Most fiction writing is devoid of emotion. Which is a shame, since hidden or suppressed emotion is the core of fiction writing. It’s called irony. Most forego irony for a voice that sounds like the newspaper. By god it’s dull.
Anyway, you might try writing your fiction as an email to, say, an old flame. Just want to catch up and all that. Nothing going on here. Now that would establish a voice.
Text to Audio. I have no idea. Google it.
I better quit. It’s obvious I perhaps know less about technology than your average sixth grader. But then, I know more about writing than your average English professor, so it evens out.
BTW I did find my cell phone. I had left it at the hardware store two days earlier. The clerk didn’t make me feel foolish. She treated me gently, as befits anyone who doesn’t miss their phone for two days. Very gently indeed.
Richard Donnelly lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Classic flyover land. Which makes us feel just a little… superior. He publishes a weekly column of essays on the writing life at richarddonnelly.substack.com