Watching and waiting, visitors from the Moon orbit the planet. Their mission: Conquer Earth. Of course, that’s the easy part…
As the writer of ‘ORBITERS’, my job is to report. Not tell you what to think. This is not The New York Times. However, there are readers who aren’t happy until every blank is filled. This week I will address some of the more commonly-asked questions.
Question: The stock market has been unpredictable lately. What happens after the Malthusians invade? Up or down?
Answer: Down.
Question: I understand we’ll all be taken to Mars. What about my credit card debt?
Answer: It will be forgiven.
Question: Can I bring my golf clubs?
Answer: Sure. Don’t forget your sand wedge.
Question: Is there TV on Mars?
Answer: Yes. Malthusian programming includes instructional videos on oral hygiene, exercise, wellness, vegetarian cooking, and good books.
Question: But what will we do for fun?
Answer: See above.
Question: What color are Malthusians?
Answer: Purple. Just kidding. They’re all colors, just like us.
Question: I understand Malthusians were once Earthlings. Why did they leave?
Answer: About fourteen thousand years ago Malthusians left for the Moon. They built vast underground colonies, erected cities, farmed under the glow of stars, and lived long, loving, useful lives. A sort of heaven on Earth. Or on the Moon, rather. Now they’re back. Why? It’s only a matter of time before we discover them. And needless to say, Earthlings haven’t got the best record when it comes to international relations.
Question: I know Earth is a mess. But Malthusians are kind. Why don’t they just give us their technology?
Answer: We’d only blow ourselves up. This isn’t rocket science. Actually it is.
Question: Listen, you. I’m not going to Mars. Me and my buddies are escaping to North Dakota where we’ll dig concrete bunkers, brew beer, build a home-made howitzer, and…
Answer: When zeppelins arrive everyone will be given $10,000 in Space Bucks, to be redeemed at go-kart tracks and 24-hour casinos. You’ll get on.
Question: Donald Trump has been much in the news lately. Any chance of leaving him behind?
Answer: Unfortunately, no. And being a democratic society, Malthusia will allow him to run in 2024. Hey, they can’t fix everything.
Richard Donnelly lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Classic flyover land. Which makes us feel just a little… superior. He publishes a weekly column of essays on the writing life at richarddonnelly.substack.com